Sunday, February 01, 2009

The Time Warp

I swear gay men live in a Time Warp. Whether they are consistently late (I'm guilty of this ALOT!), think a two week relationship is "serious dating", act as if life is over after 40 or simply can't tell time because they are too busy sucking cock, it is quite frustrating!

Case in point: My lovely Mario has been in Argentina for the past month. He went with his entire family to visit his grandmother and aunt (no Mario is not from Argentina, he just has family that lives there). Anyhoo, he will hopefully be coming back just in time for Valentine's Day. I have missed him dearly but luckily my sexual frustration has been minimal due to my hectic schedule. It was probably a blessing in disguise that he left. While our relationship is still in its early stages, I don't think I would have had much time to spend with him. Well, the point of my story is as soon as Mario's plane left the airport my phone was bombarbed with text messages from old fuck buddies/dates/tranny-lovers/sex-slaves/etc. I was amazed by their perfect timing. It's almost as if they had some sort of bizarre gay ESP that alerted them that I would be in a vulnerable state without Mario.

Well, unfortunately for them I ignored and deleted all of the messages. I mean, it's been MONTHS since I had any sort of contact with these people. The funniest story, and probably the one that suffered from the most severe case of Time Warp Syndrome was a boy named Alex. I got this message just the other day.

"Hey this is Alex! I'm sorry I never called back but I didn't save your number in my new phone and I had to look for my old phone. Do you still want to hook up?"

My initial thought was "Who the fuck is Alex?". Even during my sluttiest pre-Mario moments I could keep everyone's names and faces straight. So I had no choice to respond. I was blunt and said I didn't know who this was. "Alex" responded and told me that he was the "Puerto Rican with the accent". Wow, at this point I really was stumped. I rarely meet any Puerto Rican guys. So the text messages went back and forth until he described the night we met..................LAST FUCKING JULY! OMIGOD!

I was tempted to be really rude and say something like "So it took you 7 months to call me back?" or "Are kidding me? You had a little dick and the sex was awful....and it was obvious you LIED about your age!" BUT I refrained. I politely told Mr. Little Dick Puerto Rican Alex that I am seeing someone.

Wow. Seriously, what goes through these gay men's minds? Do they have no concept of time??????????

ugh, whatever. thank god Mario is coming back this month! I miss my Boo!


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