Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Tips For Online Dating and Sex

1. Have a picture. If you don't have a picture or you are very ugly, don't worry. Use an older picture from 10 years ago, or better yet, use someone else's picture. Just don't pick a celebrity's photo since that might get you a lawsuit.

2. Know your sexual preferences. You can say you are a top or bottom, but never ever ever say you are versatile! Although it may be true, it simply makes you look like an indesicive retard. Remember, you can always change your mind later to accomodate a hot top/bottom guy you may chat with.

3. Measure your cock. Take a ruler and start from your asshole and then measure to the tip of your penis. Take that number and add another 1.5 inches. That will be your official Online Penis Size. Remember, false penis sizes are all the latest rage, you know, kinda like iPods. Size Queens beware though, that guy who said he is 9 inches is really 5 :)

4. Everyone is 500 times uglier in person. So be a picky bitch! Find that guy that looks like Brad Pitt and don't settle for anything else! Because when you meet him in real life he will probably look more like Elton John.

5. Keep these online terms and their real life equivalents in mind at all times
- online they say "average build" but in real life it means, "I'm a fucking fat ass that makes Mariah Caery look anorexic".
- online they say "cute jock", but in real life it means, "I used to be a cute jock 20 years ago in high school."
- online they say "I give great massages", but in real life it means, "I'm a prostitute that is too lazy to walk the streets like all the other hard working whores so I take the easy route and solicit sex online"

5. Don't worry what PNP stands for. The people who put that in there profile are too drugged up and riddled with STD's to probably tell you what it means either.

6. BB = bareback = a nice way for a person to say they are HIV positive already and thus could care less about using condoms.

7. "I can only host." This is a nice way for someone to tell you they either can't afford a car or are too lazy to take public transportation. Be very weary if these types also claim to be "muscular/athletic". How athletic can they possibly be sitting at home like a fat ass all the time surfing the internet?

8. When you finally are at their house....... and they tell you to not get cum on the covers since the police will be able to detect the DNA, in case something would happen to you, well that generally means you are in danger and they plan on eating more than just your ass. Get the hell out of there!


Blogger Pinche Guero said...

Haha! @ #6

8:46 PM  
Blogger George CP Lin said...

ROFL! :-)

6:31 AM  
Blogger bomitoni said...

did u make these up or find these? cause it almost sounds like they came straight from ur mouth...

2:42 PM  
Blogger Chicago_Sexbox said...

girl, i done had some traumatizin' experiences online! that's why i said i give up!

4:08 PM  
Blogger equippedtofascinate said...

ha, ha. That has to be one of the funniest blogs I've ever read.

10:50 PM  
Blogger YoNoTePidoLaLuna said...

Girl I know all about online dating. What I dont' understand is why people lie...I flat out told people "I'm 19 (at the time when I was a whore), I live at home with my parents and I work at *insert random job here*". If that was good enough then ok. But yes, I remember I dated a guy that had "model good looks" and when I actually met him I thought...goddamn this guy is goofy looking! Look at those Vulcan ears and Bugs Bunny teeth! The only thing he had that was "model" type was his muscular titties.

Oh well. Funny regardless. That's why people need to stay away from the net if they want serious relationships. Besides, meeting people for sex on the net is nasty. How can u zone in to your intuition online? It's different meeting someone on the street or at a bar, and u can feel if it's a freak or not. Not online

2:23 PM  

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