Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Bahumbug, Bitch!

I am sure there are bloggers all over the world that hate Christmas as much as I do, so here I am writing my obligatory "i hate shitmas" post to add to the rest. I can not tell you how nauseating it is to have to endure fucking Christmas music on the radio. Everyday I come into work and I hear 20 different versions of the same old Christmas standards. Barf. I am so happy when everyone leaves and I can change the radio to a nice death metal radio station (or something equally bitter!) The only good thing about Shitmas is the egg nog. Everything else can fucking fuck off. Fuck presents, fuck shitmas trees, fuck singing carols, fuck Santa Claus, fuck all of those motherfucking Shitmas shoppers that get in my fucking way at the stores and fuck all of that 'Jesus's birthday' shit. I think Jesus and the virgin Mary is just a bullshit fairytale. Let's clebrate Cinderella's birthday while we're at it.

Of course, as with most Scrooges, alot of my hate for the season stems from my childhood (surprise surpise!). Christmas as a child was always the one time of the year the majority of my mother's family acknowledged we existed. You see, my mother was from a middle class white/german family. She was the blacksheep of the family that left home at young age, moved to the ghetto and got knocked up by some Pretto-Rican hoodlum. Naturally, being the half-breed welfare bastard child, I was always treated "differently". My mother actually stopped participating in any family holidays when I was 6 and I found myself not only having to endure being treated like a dirty second class citizen but I had to explain why my psycho mother dropped me off at my grandma's house while she went back home by herself. As a child I guess I thought every little kid experienced this, but looking back I realize that having to sit at a different table, having my appearance constantly monitored (apparently bastard half breed children on welfare aren't capable of EVER being clean, no matter how many times they are forced to wash their hands) was not normal. It was fucking bullshit. It made me especially sick watching my cousin (whose parents were well to do) show up to these gatherings dressed like a complete slob and be treated like royalty.

I am so glad now almost all of my family is dead or I lost contact with them years ago. They made me sick. I have barely kept in touch either with my father's side of the family. This past year was contemplating going to New York City to meet a few long lost cousins but at the last minute I decided against it. I think family should be the people you surround yourself with in your daily life. They shouldn't have to be someone you barely simply because you have the same grandparents, parents, brother, etc.

So, to continue with the negativity and bitterness of this post, I bring to you the Top 5 WORST Albums of 2005.
Thalia - "El Sexto Sentido": Hmmmmmm...more like "El Sexto Fracaso". I used to adore Thalia. I even did a presentation on her in spanish class years ago, but she continues to disappoint me. As if that english album a few years ago wasn't a complete joke, she returns with this shit. Boring ballads that Celine Dion wouldn't even touch, crappy dance songs that sound older than Tommy, and generic pseudo-rock filler. Maybe she needs to stick to her K-Mart clothing line.

Robbie Williams - "Intensive Care": How approriately titled. Robbie should have put this album in the intensive care unit and left it there to die. The lead single was very good, but the rest of the album is just a bland rehashing of everything he has done before. Oh, and his continued "am i gay or straight" innuendo you often find in his lyrics is just old and tired now. Look, just fucking come out of the closet already or shut the fuck up. Next!

Tiffany - "Dust Off And Dance" Oh dear. Tiffany dusts off her baloney nipples and brings out her disco ball. The only problem is the songs and production are so dated, material from Ace of Base's debut album sounds more cutting edge than this shit.

Annie - "Anniemal" Annie's music is so cheesy, even Radio Disney had to pass. Annie can take her 'chewing gum' and shove it up her crab infested coochie, and then she can reimburse me the $22 I spent on the fucking import of this album.

Jennifer Lopez - "Rebirth": She should have called this "Stillbirth" because it flopped so badly! There isn't anything as vomit inducing as "Dear Ben" on this album, but using Usher's hand-me-downs from the year before and attempting to capitalize on a look Kylie minogue had done 100 times better already all the while "singing" over some boring hip-hop wannabe tracks made this album truly horrendous.


Blogger bomitoni said...

I forgot to get eggnogg for Saturday! Ahhh!!! Sorry Sista M...I think I had the opposite problem as you. All my first cousins on my mom's side (and my half sister) are half breeds...caucasion and mexican. i was the only true beaner and always felt a little different at our holiday gatherings. i think they were just jealous cause i was my grandfather's favorite. now they all live boring lives and can't be nearly as fabulous as i am! remember u always have ur sista m :)

Oh and you can't hate Tiffany's dance album, so what if it sounds like it's from 1996???!!!...that's it's charm! And it's Tiffany...if it weren't for her u wouldn't have ur fierce Milwaukee Sister-in-law! LOL. I agree w/ThalĂ­a though...I heard clips on itunes, even the samples were awful! I've been compiling my lists as well. We'll have to compare. I already know ur #1 though..."me pregunto porq..."

3:37 PM  
Blogger Chicago_Sexbox said...

yes, thank god for my Sista M (and Sista M-In-Law) lol. Oh how funny though you were hated by your half breed cousins! lol

If we ever have a 90's themed part we can have Tiffany's album playing! lol

4:17 PM  
Blogger YoNoTePidoLaLuna said...

I almost agree with all your votes for shittiest album...but I'd trade Robbie Williams for Madonna.

Again, I re-iterate, I DO NOT HATE MADONNA, but this album is just really bland. I know enough of dance music to know what's FUN..and this album really has nothing. It's basically an upbeat "American Life", same content and all. The only song that can pass for a "fun" song is "Jump". She took all the life of a song that speaks of strong desire..I'm refering to "Get Together".

Anywho, but Robbie's album is good. It reminds me of cheesy 80's Stadium Rock bands like Styx and REO Speedwagon, and I'm all down for cheesiness. I liked his pseudo Gospel "Make Me Pure". Oh well, at least Shakis didn't make ur list

I may copy you and post a list of my own on my blog now...:)

6:07 PM  
Blogger Chicago_Sexbox said...

Madonna's album is fierce and dancetastic. Do not question my dance music authority, you are but a mere mortal who thinks Daniela Romo's "Ave Fenix" was groundbreaking. Fear not my child, my New Years Resolution will be to educate you about the World Of Dance Music.

8:03 PM  
Blogger equippedtofascinate said...

I glad I'm not the only person who has these feelings about Christmas.

9:39 PM  
Blogger MatadorMexicano said...

another good thing baout cristmas: gingerbread latte. not a day goes by that i dont have a cup... mmmmmmm

11:46 PM  
Blogger 20Th Century Boy said...

Sr. dela pluma rosa, digame que tanbueno esta el cd de las Sugar Babes?

3:01 PM  
Blogger Chicago_Sexbox said...

El nuevo disco de las Sugababes esta padrisimo!!!! Son famosas en Mexico?

3:07 PM  

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