Poopy Loopy

I am pee shy. I am also poop shy. I am pee and poop shy. I am PAPS (not to be confused with the cervical cancer diagnostic procedure, pap smear!). Being PAPS has brought me much distress in my life. I used to be completely incapable of peeing at a urinal for years. I would just stand there with my dick in my hand staring at the wall in front of me for 10 minutes until I would just give up. Lately I have been getting better and I can occasionally squeeze it out. A friend of mine (not a secret friend, just a regular friend) hypothesized that perhaps I am scared of someone seeing my genitalia. This is definitely not the case. I have had to ask guys that I had just had sex with not to look while I peed. I have no problem being an exhibitionist. I just can't pee while doing it!

Going #2 is even worse. Sure I enjoy the privacy of a stall, but if I even suspect someone might hear my kids dropping in the pool I immediately freeze up. Oh, and if I fart too, that's it! I won't leave the stall for 15 minutes. The worst part though is when I finish and step out of the stall only to discover someone actually WAS in the bathroom. That post-poop glare strangers give me just makes me want to run and hide in shame. I feel like I have been caught doing something bad. Why is this????? And I know it just isn't me. I have stumbled upon many people exhibiting the same type of "poop shame" as they step out from the stall.

However, my ultimate toilet terror is when people try to make small talk in a desperate attempt to divert attention from the "poop shame". I don't want to talk about the weather after I have just emptied my bowels. I don't want to say anything to anybody for that matter while I am doing anything in the bathroom. It's fucking unnatural!