Monday, February 11, 2008

La Cueva

ooops, I meant to have posted this last week.........

As much as I am convinced I should have been born to a millionaire family and lived the life of a hotel heiress much like Paris(ite) Hilton, my upbringings were rather humble growing up in Milwaukee's hispanic ghetto. It's been 10 years now since I left the encalves of Milwaukee's south side and I must admit, I sometimes forget how far I have come. I know it sounds terrible, as I don't think anyone should forget their roots, but after living in some of the various trendy and more pricey neighborhoods of Chicago (Lakeview, Lincoln Park, West Loop) I tend to forget how completely opposite worlds exist in the very heart of the city I call home.

Last Friday I celebrated Fernando's 30th birthday party at a tiny bar on Chicago's south side. That was no big deal. I had been there before a long time ago. However, after the bar closed people suggested going to an after hours joint that I had never been to before, La Cueva. Located in the heart of La Villita, La Cueva has always been sort of an enigma that my various gay Mexican friends have spoken about here and there. For the most part everything they told me sounded like horror stories. Well after 6 years of living in Chicago I decided it was the perfect time to see for myself what the fuss was about. Ironically, everyone who initally wanted to go changed their mind at the last minute and I found myself accompanied by my favorite Cunty Bitch (who is only Mexican by injection but I am not at liberty to discuss his sex life, lol).

As I drove down 26th street looking for my mysterious destination I could not help but feel like Dorothy finding her way to OZ. The only difference is I wasn't told to look for a yellow brick road. I was told to look for scary Mexican tranny prostitutes. That was when I would know I arrived. They didn't lie either. It was hard to miss the sexy and tempting 50 year old trannies who looked like they had grabbed their wives chemo wigs and then looted a Rainbow.

Getting inside was a total fiasco. I was frisked for weapons and the doorman looked at the address on my driver's license and asked if i was lost! LOL. Once inside we were bombarded by 20 waitress-trannies who apparently weren't making enough in tips to be able to afford GOOD plastic surgery and implants. Yikes.

The place was crowded so I had the pleasure of sharing a table the one and only Miss Ketty (if you have ever been to Circuit you know who I am talking about) and Celia Cruz's long lost hermaphodite sibling. Well, Celia didn't shut up the entire time we were there watching the drag show. I guess I can't complain because i most certainly didn't have any desire to talk to the scary clientel or the 400 security guards surrounding every table. Serioulsy, I felt like I was stuck in some twisted Telemundo remake of the "Twilight Zone". LOL

This was all in addition to the bouncer with Alpo breath, the 350lb woman and her midget boyfriend, and the fat man who looked like Selena's father in the bathroom with his dick hanging out of his pants (he wasn't even at the urinal!) Gross!

I couldn't wait to leave and I most definitely will NOT be returning! Perhaps it isn't a good idea to explore the various cultural enclaves of Chicago.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

As the "cunty bitch? you referred to in the "bean queen from the streets" story, I feel the utmost need to remind you that you didn't mention the fact that the bar seemed to have more straight-men than gay men, the corona's we ordered came in aluminum cans (I didn't know they even came outside of glass bottles?), and the scary security guy who had more hair on his back on than on his head! For any Chicagoans who know what I am talking about, the place was the red-headed stepchild of the Lucky Horseshoe and the Baton!

I agree . . . I have seen more Mexican boys than all U.S. Immigration officials combined. I have also been to many "off-beat" bars in the city in my attempt to track down some of these Mexican yummies! La Cueva was a place I cannot imagine returning to anytime soon. It was so far from what I had imagined!

I will say that that I learned a couple of things . . . I was glad to see the Celia was alive and well in a run-down drag bar. I was horrified by seeing Ms. Ketty so up close . . . WOW - she has definitely been around the block a few times! Lastly, I was glad to share this episode with a good friend! It gave us both something to try and drown away in a pool of alcohol (not that I normally need a reason).

10:34 AM  
Blogger Chicago_Sexbox said...

Omigod, how could I forget the Corona in cans? LOL

1:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

La Cueva is not a bad place so much as it is a BADLY RUN place....
Too many "straight" men...and too many haggard queens/TV's/TS's.
The music is good...and there's a lot of energy...
It just seems that management is mopre interested in wringing their profits out of the regulars than they are in making a place that will attract a better (and may I add RICHER) clientele.
More advertising...cleaner and LARGER bathrooms...and a better mix of people would make this a MUCH better place to party.
And finally,this place is a firetrap.
The only other exit is routinely blocked or locked.
When I've been,I ALWAYS stand within 10-20 feet of the door.
Hopefully the fire marshall will do something about this....SOON!

3:18 PM  

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