Gay Chicago: There's No Place Like Home
On my journey to becoming a gay socialite this summer, I began to notice just how GAY this city really is. I think it is a common fallacy that "Boystown" is the official gayborhood and everything gay ends and begins there. There is no denying that Boystown is very gay, but it is gay in a very flamboyant-in-your-face-Rupaul kind of gay. I guess if Chicago was Oz, Boystown would be the Emerald City. There is alot of glitter, bright lights, pretty buildings, decorative streets and fierce queens all over the place. Lincoln Park and the Gold Coast I suppose could be considered suburbs of the Emerald City. Or perhaps it would be easier to describe them as Boystown's in the closet gay baby brothers?
The gayness doesn't stop there though. It spreads into practically all of the Chicago northside neighborhoods. Uptown, Edgewater and Ravenswood are gayborhoods. Where are the rainbow street lights you ask? Well, with all the crime in those areas I assume the mayor deemed it pointless to beautify those neighborhoods but trust me, they are still very gay. However, in the land of Oz, those neighborhoods would be more like Wicked Witch's castle, because those homos are fucking scary! The guys that cruise those areas look like extras that escaped from a Rob Zombie movie. They don't have time to make themselves look pretty like the Boystown boys. They simply crawl out of there run down studios when they run out of crystal meth and prey on the innocent. I swear, they have no shame. The next time one of those Scary Gays are trying to pick you up at Hollywood beach, look closely, they probably still have the heroin needle dangling from their arm.
Wicker Park, Logan Square and the Ukranian Village are gayborhoods too. I think they could best be described as Munchkin Country. I say this not because the gays in those areas are short, but simply because that's where all of the artsy-fartsy, alternative out cast gays dwell. Nevertheless they are quite entertaining to look at, much like a person with Torrette's syndrome. They simply don't look like the rest of us with their goth make up, excessive tatoos, pierced lips and dirty dread locks. Oh, and they smell. I suppose no one thinks of those areas as being gayborhoods because all of that body odor and LSD in the air could throw off even Cher's gaydar.
And where does the Southside fall into the mix of Chicago gayborhoods? Well, let's just say the Southside might as well be Kansas!
Andersonville is also antoher enigma in the grand gay scheme of things, cuz sweeties, not even an experienced gay socialite like myself can figure out those leasbians!