Monday, April 23, 2007

Suppository Shits

So the other day I realized I had gone two days without taking a shit. This truly concerned me. I am probably the most regular person you could ever meet. My bowel movements are probably the only thing about me that are punctual. Ironically we were just learning about constipation at school so I put my new knowledge to use to choose the most appropriate over the counter product for my unfortunate situation. I walked to Walgreens and picked up some glycerin suppositories. I loved the look the girl at the register gave me. I just smiled proudly as I left the store anxiously awaiting the massive dump I was about to pharmacologically induce!

Those suppositories were a little slippery but I suppose that was a good thing. I am not the loose goose my blog posts might seem to suggest. So I waited 20 minutes until I suddenly felt the urge to take a shit. At first it didn't seem any different from my other trips to the bathroom. I was almost disappointed. I mean, after not going for two days I wanted something memorable! I wanted fireworks, sparks, bells...something! Well, let me say my new glycerin buddies didn't let me down. Within moments I felt like I was giving birth to an alien life form. Horrible cramps shot through my pelvic region. I had to grip onto the toilet paper roll just to keep myself from rocketing off the toilet as two days worth of digested goodies came rushing out of me.

Wow, I am so glad I am not a woman. I can only imagine what labor feels like! Ooh, and let's not even think about the aftermath. At least I didn't have to worry about finacially supporting my turds for the next 18 years!


Blogger musicbeing said...

Do you not eat enough bran?? Or drink enough water?

How odd. I take a shit at least once a day...and when I drink coffee, girl my ass turns into an espresso machine and it comes out in liquid form.

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG - Coffee does that to me too. I used to think it was the cream, but I quickly realized I am not lactose intolerant. Something about coffee just gives me some nasty squirty-bottom problems!!!

12:08 AM  
Blogger Innommable said...


9:19 AM  
Blogger Innommable said...

I felt so relieved from just READING this post. I think I'll read it again.

9:22 AM  
Blogger MatadorMexicano said...


yet suprisingly hot....

6:21 PM  

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