Sunday, August 30, 2009

Breaking Up With Debbie

With the past two months of my life being unusually stressful, I have found myself looking for comfort in the arms of Debbie. Now you ask, Debbie who? Debbie Gibson? Debbie Harry? Debbie Downer? Debbie Does Dallas? No. None of those Debbies. I am actually referring to my homegirl, Little Debbie.

For just 75 cents this little cunt has brought be so much joy. Fucking bitch. She tastes soooo good that even as I felt my stomach starting to bloat and my clothes tighten, I couldn't stop myself. For the past 2 years I have lived so well eating my low-carb foods and within a month I was throwing it all away with these.....

During my most stressful days I would devour an entire box of nutty bars and if I still had room I would eat TWO chocolate pies with chocolate milk. I would have tried to pull a Paula Abdul and puked the shit up afterwards but after all of these years of , well, doing certain "things", I could shove my fist down my throat and not get a gag reflex. (Hey, don't judge now. You know you're jealous!)

So, it occurred to me that the excess junk food could be contributing to my stress instead of alleviating it. Also, with a trip to Cancun just around the corner I want to make sure my swimsuits still fit. I can't afford new ones in this economy! So I stopped this Little Debbie nonsense and returned to my low-carb lifestyle. After a few days of eating healthy, my Little Debbie cravings finally subsided. Wow, that bitch is like heroin but I am taking it one day at a time because when I am lying in the sun wearing my fierce Dolce & Gabana swimsuit I will be happy that it fits!

Other food related news.......

So last night I met a nice Jewish boy at the gym. He was lusting over me to the point I was worried he would hurt himself on the gym equipment as a result of paying more attention to what I was doing than what he was doing. He was handsome but not really my type. I didn't see any harm in chatting though. He proceeded to invite me over for dinner. He seemed to be a well-mannered, respectful nice young man just starting law school so I accepted. Once again, not my type but during these hard economic times I need to save on my grocery bill so if a nigga is gonna feed me, shiiiiit, I'm gonna get my grub on.

So Jewish boy made a lovely Kosher, low-carb, meat-free meal. It was yummy! He was a total gentleman.........until we finished dinner and sat down to drink tea. Before I could have one sip he pounced on me and had his hands in every nook and crevice. I am by no means an angel, nor am I opposed to go to third base right away (who am I fooling, I rarely even wait for an official date to do that, LOL) however I was just sooooo turned off by the situation. I politely told him to get off of me and that "I don't do these sorts of things with strangers" (I waited for lightning to strike me down for lying but God must have made an exception!). I pried his hands off of me and excused myself. I am not sure if this offended him or if he felt silly for expecting a little too much from a dinner date. I really didn't care. I got free food and my tummy was very happy.

I need to chat with more people from the gym. Maybe I could get invited to dinner every night of the week. I'd never have to go grocery shopping again!


Blogger Mike said...

Girl, you shameless! Although I can't talk. I would have done exactly the same thing!

8:15 PM  

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