Sunday, February 24, 2008

The ABC's of Cock Teasing

Last night I was at Circuit for their monthly themed event, Nitro. Those parties are always over the top and amazing. DJ Peter Rauhofer was spinning and whenever such a big name DJ comes to Chicago, you can bet all of the "party bois" are out in full force. Now, when I say "party bois" I am refering to all of the guys who are rolling on every recreational club drug you can think of: E, G, K, X, Y and Z! lol I can't keep up with all of the names but that's not my point. I have never tried the two most popular ones, Ecstasy and GHB. This isn't because I am against ingesting mind altering toxic chemicals (in other words I am a weekend alcoholic!) nor do I pass judgement on those who do take these substances (I'd rather be in a room with really horny people on E than with scary cracked out Whitney Houstons!). However I simply can't get past the fact that GHB scares the fuck out of me. I've witnessed first hand on several occasions what happens when someone takes too much and it isn't pretty. I spend way to much on my Diesel and Dolce & Gabbana threads to end up ruining them as I fall on the dancefloor in convulsions and get trampled by 500 queens.

I do benefit though from all of the rampant illegal drug use though! Those "bois" on E let you molest and have your way with them on the dancefloor! I love it. I know it sounds hard to believe but I am not always looking to take someone home. Sometimes I just want to be a cock tease and feel up on a nice muscular ass, grab a few crotches, pinch some nipples and maybe have a make out session on the dance floor and then go home......ALONE! The whole process reminds me of seeing strippers without having to tip. I love it.

But seriously, I wouldn't want to take any of these drugged up boys home with me. It would totally kill the moment if we had to interrupt a blow job so I could call 911 to save them from an overdose. I mean, that would be so embarrassing and tragic. I like my bj's to completion dammit!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Apple Bottom Jeans

This week was the end of the Spring quarter at school and I had finals. Anyone who has paid even the slightest interest in my life would know that finals week equals hell. For 5 days straight I have one exam after the other. Literally, all I do for those five days is sleep and study. By the end of the week my house is disgustingly dirty and I have fallen behind with any of my non-academic duties. Today I finally can clean my house, go grocery shopping, file my taxes, file my student financial aid, masturbate, get drunk, etc. Most importantly though I can FINALLY remove my new computer and from their boxes!

Not having my iPod this week has been a nightmare. I have been forced to listen to talk radio every morning during my commute to school. The Kiss FM morning talk show with Drex with actually quite amusing. My favorite topic was probably "I pulled down her panties and there were skid marks". Nevertheless, I still would have prefered some fierce club remixes to wake me up instead of Chicagoland's sexual horror stories in the morning.

Another result of listening to the radio all this week is having the same 5 songs they play over and over stuck in my head. I swear, this is how they brainwash people to buy some of this shit. Without realizing it, the other day I found myself knowing all of the words to T-Pain's "Low". I didn't even know who the fuck T-Pain was before this. By the name I would have guessed it was a new analgesic product developed by the makers of Tylenol. Well, I know that isn't the case and I also know that his "shawty" likes to "hit the flo'" in an attempt to get "low low low low low low low" all the while she is "sportin" her "apple bottom jeans". Now, I as I cling to my youth I try to keep up with all of the street slang these young kids are using but even i had no idea what "apple bottom jeans" were. I had an image of Apple computers expanding into the clothing industry with a new iClothes line for men and women. Well, I was wrong and when I did my google search I found out that it is not an Apple product but rather a clothing line by Nelly.

So not only did I get all A's on my finals and end up on the Dean's List once again, but i also learned what "apple bottom jeans" are! The next time I sing T-Pain's song it shall has so much more meaning! Knowledge is power!


Perhaps I am not clininging to my youth as well as I thought I was OR I attention deficit disorder. I just realized that stupid song is by Flo Rider FEATURING T-Pain. Ugh, can't these rapper people think of normal, easy to remember names John or Bob.

Monday, February 18, 2008

The Domino Effect

One thing always leads to another. Sometimes the scenario though can be a bit extreme. You know, like when you plan a simple trip to the supermarket for some ice cream but then suddenly find yourself giving a police officer a blow job in his cop car so he doesn't give you a ticket for jay walking (what!? don't act like that never happens to you!). In this instance things could only get messy if the blowjob occurs AFTER you get the ice cream. I mean, who wants to deal with a melted gallon of Rocky Road? (ooh, and lets not even mention the messy face afterwards!)

Anyhoo, the other day a random act of kindness somehow managed to turn into a $1500 shopping spree. My Gym Sister recently moved into a new apartment. Unfortunately he doesn't have much furniture yet. I had an extra DVD player and stereo sytsem I offered to him. We were at the gym the gym when I mentioned this and I still had to finish my workout and get home so I could study. I told him I could drop off the stuff but we had to hurry! Well, during the rush to get everything done I careless threw my iPod in my gym bag along with my OPEN bottle water. Needless to say my iPod got VERY wet and died.


The good news is my friend has a new DVD player and stereo. Well, I cannot live without my iPod so I saw this as an opportunity to upgrade to the new 160GB version. I rushed home after my emergency trip to the Apple store only to discover that the new iPods are not compatible with the old Mac operating system installed on my computer.


So began to plan another emergency trip to Apple store to fork out the $100 for the new operating system software. I had been meaning to update my system anyways. Well, as I was ready to make my purchase it occured to me that my 5 year old computer with it's already limited memory and disk space may not handle an upgrade very well.

So I just said fuck and bought a whole god damn new computer.

I will have to let my Gym Sister know the next time I see him just how expensive our friendship is, LOL.

Monday, February 11, 2008

La Cueva

ooops, I meant to have posted this last week.........

As much as I am convinced I should have been born to a millionaire family and lived the life of a hotel heiress much like Paris(ite) Hilton, my upbringings were rather humble growing up in Milwaukee's hispanic ghetto. It's been 10 years now since I left the encalves of Milwaukee's south side and I must admit, I sometimes forget how far I have come. I know it sounds terrible, as I don't think anyone should forget their roots, but after living in some of the various trendy and more pricey neighborhoods of Chicago (Lakeview, Lincoln Park, West Loop) I tend to forget how completely opposite worlds exist in the very heart of the city I call home.

Last Friday I celebrated Fernando's 30th birthday party at a tiny bar on Chicago's south side. That was no big deal. I had been there before a long time ago. However, after the bar closed people suggested going to an after hours joint that I had never been to before, La Cueva. Located in the heart of La Villita, La Cueva has always been sort of an enigma that my various gay Mexican friends have spoken about here and there. For the most part everything they told me sounded like horror stories. Well after 6 years of living in Chicago I decided it was the perfect time to see for myself what the fuss was about. Ironically, everyone who initally wanted to go changed their mind at the last minute and I found myself accompanied by my favorite Cunty Bitch (who is only Mexican by injection but I am not at liberty to discuss his sex life, lol).

As I drove down 26th street looking for my mysterious destination I could not help but feel like Dorothy finding her way to OZ. The only difference is I wasn't told to look for a yellow brick road. I was told to look for scary Mexican tranny prostitutes. That was when I would know I arrived. They didn't lie either. It was hard to miss the sexy and tempting 50 year old trannies who looked like they had grabbed their wives chemo wigs and then looted a Rainbow.

Getting inside was a total fiasco. I was frisked for weapons and the doorman looked at the address on my driver's license and asked if i was lost! LOL. Once inside we were bombarded by 20 waitress-trannies who apparently weren't making enough in tips to be able to afford GOOD plastic surgery and implants. Yikes.

The place was crowded so I had the pleasure of sharing a table the one and only Miss Ketty (if you have ever been to Circuit you know who I am talking about) and Celia Cruz's long lost hermaphodite sibling. Well, Celia didn't shut up the entire time we were there watching the drag show. I guess I can't complain because i most certainly didn't have any desire to talk to the scary clientel or the 400 security guards surrounding every table. Serioulsy, I felt like I was stuck in some twisted Telemundo remake of the "Twilight Zone". LOL

This was all in addition to the bouncer with Alpo breath, the 350lb woman and her midget boyfriend, and the fat man who looked like Selena's father in the bathroom with his dick hanging out of his pants (he wasn't even at the urinal!) Gross!

I couldn't wait to leave and I most definitely will NOT be returning! Perhaps it isn't a good idea to explore the various cultural enclaves of Chicago.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Bitter Queens

I hate when strangers request to be my friend on MySpace without bothering to introduce themselves first. Usually they are some crappy new music group, a slutty teen girl with a web cam or some other sort of MySpace spam. Well today I received a request from a Bitter Queen.

I won't reveal his his account name because there is a slim chance this guy really is a nice person, but I couldn't help but judge a book by his cover after I read his nauseating profile. I simply had to vent about these particular types of Bitter Queens

I absolutely cannot stand pretentious gay boys that have to go on and on about how "different" they are from other gay guys because they aren't into the "gay scene" (here in Chicago I guess that would be Boystown) and have discovered the far superior and drama free world of heterosexual (nightclubs). The Myspace Bitter Queen (MSBQ for short) rambled how he's "been stampeding through the streets of Boys Town for about four years" and that his "boots are a little worn out". He continues with "Let’s be real for a second, everyone knows everyone (and their business) so there is nothing like walking into the bar and getting the “Up and Down” from the first fifteen queens you walk past. Now I might just be speaking from my own personal experience but I have done some research and the results are in… Gays are haters but so am I, lol."

Did I mention the guy is only 21? That means he started parading around on Halsted when he was 17. I am by no means saying my life is the way everyone should live but what the fuck. I was still in highschool when I was 17. Hell, I was still working on my undergrad degree when I was 21. The last thing on my mind was parading down the gayest street in my city. Where the hell was MSBQ's parents? Jeez! I can't help but wonder if this is the real problem with all of these jaded bitter queens who stick their nose up any sort of mainstream gay establishment. Perhaps they need to realize where you hang out or where you live doesn't define who you are or the quality of life you live. Going to bars, whether it be gay or straight, serves as a distraction from the things in life that really matter; work, family, friends, an education, etc. The "scene" is entertainment. Nothing more, nothing less.

As for the "fifteen queens" giving nasty looks, well, I have heard that story before from people over and over and all I can say is this: If you go out acting like a bitchy cunt you will get treated like one. I smile, I laugh, I joke, I get my drink on. I leave the negativity at home. My shit stinks just like everyone else's (actually it probably stinks worse because I eat alot of beans) and based on my many experiences I can honestly say people pick up on the positive or negative energy you emit and react accordingly.

The majority of my friends live very removed from the gay scene (Boystown). This isn't because they have made it a point to be different and denounce the evils of the gay ghetto. They simply have established their lives in various areas of the city that are convenient for them.

Bottom line: Maybe these Bitter Queens should be bitter of the fact that they wasted so many years of their youth not doing anything productive or worth being proud of. Boasting your abandonment of gay establishments is hardly an accomplishment worth bragging about.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Super Dish

So everyone keeps talking about something called the.....umm.... 'super dish'? 'super cup'? 'super plate'? 'super kettle'? Hmmm....or maybe it has something to do with a bowl, regardless, I keep telling people I don't cook so I don't know about these sorts of culinary events. Jeez!

The Winter Quarter at school is winding down (final exams are in two weeks!) and as always I feel like I am on the brink of a nervous break down. This burn out happens towards the end of every quarter which should be no surprise since I have had two exams every week for 5 weeks in a row. I have been doing exceptionally well in school but today's exam was a bit of a disaster. The parts that I didn't leave blank were filled in with a bunch of garbage that was probably all wrong. Oh well. hopefully I will kick ass on the final.

So anyhoo, I have been so horny lately. My horniness actually made me think of something I have been wanting to blog about for awhile but i think I shall hold off for a bit. I am too exhausted today to write anything even remotely interesting other than how sucky the past week has been.