Monday, January 28, 2008

Shallow Me

One of the best traits to possess is the ability to recognize your own negative traits. There is no sense in denying your faults. You aren't fooling anyone, especially yourself.

Case in point: I'm shallow.

When it comes to finding a date, appearance/looks is the most important thing I look for. I demand hotness. I demand a cute smile. I demand good skin. I demand good teeth. I demand good hair (or at least someone who looks good bald), and as Diana Ross once said, I want muscles! Many people have criticized me because this. They have told me "But looks are only skin deep! You are never going to find a boyfriend being so shallow!".

Yes, looks are skin deep. Thank god for that I say because after 10 years of dating I can safely say 95% of gay men have some majorly disturbing issues lurking under those looks. Alcoholics, pathologic liars, co-dependents, drug addicts, escorts, husbands on the down low, low self esteem, general bitterness, bi-polar, manic depression, psychotic tendencies, issues regarding sexual identity, etc, etc, etc. I've seen it all. If I were to start my own talk show I would give both Oprah and Tyra a run for their money. Those bitches wouldn't stand a chance against the gay freakshow I would be hosting.

So where am I going with all of this? Well, it's really quite simple. I am not complaining about the freaks I meet. Those dates provide for great dinner conversations. The story of the one guy who had me alone in his car as he proceeded to tell me how he cuts himself to release the "demons" always gets the party started! My dating horror stories, however, are not just a reason to get invited to parties. They are the reason why I am so shallow. If I have sit through a dinner and movie while one of my date's multiple personalities runs off to snort a few lines of coke in the bathroom to help get over the fact that 5 minutes ago he was crying uncontrollably because he can't come to terms with his sexuality and that his wife and kids would die if they knew he was out with a guy.....then you know what? The motherfucker better be drop dead gorgeous! Gays with issues come in both 'ugly' and 'cute'. I'll take the cute ones any day of the week. It gives me something pretty to look at while I wonder if I am going to get home in one piece.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Joan Janice Rivers

So apparently Kylie Minogue was recently in the US filming two new music videos. Now, we all know Dannii is the superior Minogue sister, but I must say I really am digging Kylie's latest album, "X". I am especially happy that she is filming videos for two of my favorite songs on the album, "Wow" and "In My Arms". However, I am generally concerned about Kylie's botox and collagen obsession. She is starting to look like the lesbian lovechild of Joan Rivers and Janice the Muppet.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Last Night I Saved A DJ's Life

Wow, I can't believe I haven't updated my blog in over a week. It is so unlike me. I usually have at least some randomness to post. I feel like my Milwaukee Sister (Sorry Sista M, but your updates are about as frequent as Monica Naranjo's release schedule lol).

Well, the past week was fairly dull. Last weekend I saw "Alien Vs Predator: Requiem" with my Chicago Sister. It was fierce. The next day I helped my Sista M celebrate his 31st birthday. I got trashed, had fun, blah blah blah. The best part of the night was probably impromptu after party at my Sista M's house. You know, I so carefully watch my carb intake but once I am drunk keep me away from cookies! I think I ate almost an entire package at his house! lol

The rest of the week has just been busy. I have been on the brink of seriously falling behind in school so I really have had to forsake any social activities and focus.

Enough of that though....let me get to the point of today's post!

So the other day I was catching up with CM (who just happens to be VERY good friends with super DJ/producer Tony Moran) when he casually mentioned he was looking for a particular Madonna remix. Tony needed it but was traveling and obviously had no access to his entire music collection. CM couldn't find it but I knew I had it. So I uploaded the remix and the download link was emailed to Tony Moran! I was so tickled by the fact that little ol' me was able to lend a helping hand to such a big name DJ! Of course, it was CM who intorduced me to Tony a few months back and got him to sign one of my obscure freestlye cd's from back in the day so I suppose I was just returning a favor.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Welcome Back Miss Jackson!

I grew up listening to Janet Jackson and even though I have liked some of the stuff she has released in recent years, I cannot deny she has been missing that "spark" that made her so huge in the 80's and 90's. Well, girlfriend seems to have finally got her act together. I posted the song a few posts ago but here is the official video for her new single, "Feedback". I am hearing it on the radio and in the clubs. I can't remember the last time I was able to say that about a Janet song!

We missed you gurl!

Friday, January 11, 2008

I love immigrants.

In a time when every person who wasn't born in this country is being put under scrutiny and accused of being here illegally, I would like to take the time to show my appreciation for immigrants in this country. Now, I am sure my regular readers are thinking this is because after having slept with all of the men in Chicago I look forward to the arrival of a fresh batch of men from abroad, but this is not true. I love immigrants because their take on the English language is always so cute and amusing. I know so many of them want to assimilate 100%, lose their accent and speak English perfectly but I think that is boring!

Talking with Xica (from Brazil) was always interesting. He would often jump between English and Portuguese without even noticing it 9or even bothering to repeat what he had just said). I didn't mind though as long as he continued to call me "bela". His accent was adorable too. I loved it every time he wanted to order vodka and tonic at a bar, or as he would say "vogka and tonic".

I have another friend from Colombia who sends me the most interesting text messages. At first I could never decipher what the hell he was trying to tell me but after having known him awhile I can always translate his texts regardless of how many grammatical or spelling rules he breaks. Case in point:

"Not dont chance! harry!"

Translation: No don't change! Hurry!

There are alot of Polish men in Chicago too. I love their accents too. I recall one time last year when I was "intimate" with a young man who had moved from Poland just two years earlier. We were being "intimate" but he seemed to be having pecker problems and couldn't stay hard. He apologized repeatedly and kept telling me his penis was being "shiny". I thought perhaps this was some sort of Polish slang until I realized he meant to say "shy". LOL

The moral of today's blog? Brazilians like vogka, Colombians want you to harry and not chance, and when a Polish guy gets nervous his penis gets shiny!

And this is why I love foreigners!

Monday, January 07, 2008

Bring My SexyBack

At the beginning of every new year it is my tradition to purchase a brand new calendar. I wait until after the new year because that's when all of the calendars get discounted. I'm cheap! Anyhoo, I generally choose aesthetically pleasing calendars featuring the images of scantily clad men. Occaisionally I feel even extra frisky and get one of those naughty pornographic calendars with fully aroused well endowed muscular men. There is nothing like starting every month to see a new fully erect penis dripping precum pointing in your direction.

When I went to buy a nudie calendar the other day I found myself less than impressed with the selection available. Mr. April's penis looked grossly mutated. I couldn't help but wonder if he had been circumsized by Freddy Krueger. Mr. July wasn't much better. Instead of arousing me, his curvy cock had me reminiscing Gonzo from "Sesame Street". In complete disgust I finally gave up and purchased a Far Side cartoon calendar. It's a very funny calendar that shall bring me much laughter these next 12 months but I couldn't help but think as I left the store, "Wow, my 'sexyback' has become more like 'sexygone'.

Is this what happens as I slowly approach the end of my 20's? I know I don't look a day over 14 but I am still worried. Since when did my libido decrease so dramatically? I am feeling so distraught right now I just might be forced to go out tonight and commit an act of random casual sex with a stranger. It's quite out of my character to do such things but ensuring my libido has not got up and left me like Jennifer Lopez's career is far more important than my morals!

Thursday, January 03, 2008


I have been away from my blog for a bit not only because of the holidays but because I was in South Beach for a few days to bring in the new year! I fucking loved it! It really is how they make it look on TV. There are so many hot people everywhere you just never want to wear anything more than a speedo! And to be quite honest for most of my trip i was rocking a cute, white, Dolce & Gabbana swimsuit. Actually, that is the one thing I noticed the most. It's not about being rich or poor, black or white, gay or long as you look hot and have a fierce outfit you fit in. I suppose that's what gives South Beach it's reputation for being so vapid and shallow, but let's face it, when everyone's looking good and feeling fabulous, the overall atmosphere simply becomes positive and friendly. I think it's safe to even say I loved Miami Beach more than New York. The city is fierce.

I traveled with Private Dancer and once in SOBE, we met up with his friend Chris from Boston. Here is the two of them our first night enjoying the sounds of DJ Abel at Score.

The weekend got even better as I had the chance to hang with a friend who used to live in Chicago, Leo and his boyfriend, Chad. They had a beautiful condo overlooking the Miami skyline. We had drinks and almost forgot that we had plans to attend a DJ Tony Moran party in downtown Miami. Actually, I spent a good deal of time with the two of them. They were so sweet and fun!

I also ran into another former Chicagoan.................Xica! He's good friends with Leo but neither one of knew he was going to show up in Miami. Poor Xica though.....he had a cold and couldn't come to the club with us!

The rest of my trip was spent shopping (I did some serious damage to my credit cards at the Energie store. I think I like them more than Diesel now!) and more partying. NYE had me dancing for almost 6 hours straight. Don't ask me where I found the energy to wake up the next day so I could catch my flight back.

Every one of my vacations always seems to have a soundtrack. You know, that one song that is played EVERYWHERE.....well, Janet Jackson's new single "Feedback" will forever be associated with my trip to SOBE. I heard it in the clubs, on the radio, in the stores..........and in the hotel room on my iPod! I think Janet has finally gotten her shit together!