Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!

My alarm clock is my number one enemy. Waking up in the mornings is a hellish battle I must fight everyday. How I managed all those years in school is beyond me. Today was no exception. I woke up 50 minutes late and instead of going to class late, I went back to bed and slept some more. I have a rule that if I will be more than 15 minutes late for a class, I simply do not go. I am so bad. What's even worse is after I woke up the second time, I got distracted looking at porn on my computer (damn those morning woodies!) that I missed my second class too! oh well, at least I am well rested and not horny anymore :)

I do not know why I am so disfunctional in the mornings. Luckily, I have always worked 2nd shift so when I am out of school I never have to worry about it. What worries me though, is as I get older my inability to wake up early worsens. I don't understand it. Aren't old people naturally inclinced to getting up at 5AM? Oh well, may be this is a good sign I am not aging as rapidly as I thought I was.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Beefaroni On A Dancefloor

I am a remix whore. Some people might say I am just a whore in general, but that's not the issue today. I love dance remixes. A DJ can take the crappiest and most wretched song and turn it into something I will love (ie. anything by Christina Uglyera, "I'm Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman" by Shitney Queers). Something occured to me though, some of the famous DJ's that remix some of the biggest names in the music business are fucking hot! A friend of mine emailed me a link to DJ Eddie Baez's website the other day. he's done remixes for Whintey Houston, Kristine W, Cher and most recently Vivian Green. He was at Hydrate last weekend. Unfortunately I missed my chance to tell him to "put the needle on it". Anyhoo, he's fucking BEEFARONI!!!!!! grrr.....

Another bootylicious DJ is DJ Tony Moran. I actually did get to meet him last summer and he was such a cool guy. He was really busy but still took a few minutes to talk with me. Not alot of people realize it, but Tony was part of the whole freestyle movement in the late 80's/early 90's and even recorded his own solo album (after doing 2 albums as part of the Latin Rascals) that supposedly never got released. Tony certainly looked like a hella mess (I got that term from El Hermanito De Anahi) years ago, but he is the prime example of a man who has only gotten 100 times sexier in his 30's. Yum!!!!

In other news I received a letter from Midwestern University's College Of Pharmacy today. After reviewing my application they have asked me to come for a candidate visit on February 6th! I am soooo excited. Getting into pharmacy school is extremely competitive so finding out a school actually wants to take things now to the interview level is very uplifting. I am going to have to be sure to charm the pants off them, but I am good at getting people out of their pants.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Get the message? 'Nuff said!

Vanessa Williams was THE diva for me when I was a teenager and last night I was able to see one of my favorite Vanessa videos, "Running Back To You", at Roscoes! I was there with My Milwaukee Sister, Jorge, Rob, and Alethya having a belated birthday celebration for my Sista M.. Due to my hectic schedule I was unable to attend his previous birthday outing so we decided a Sunday night at Roscoes would be perfect. They play nithing but 80's/90's trashy dance videos......with LOTS of freestyle thrown in for good measure. 80's dance music wouldn't be complete without Expose's big hair, Safire's big unibrow or Corina's big mustache. Definitely one of the BIGGEST surprises of the night is when a fellow Chicago blogger, Charlie recognized me from my blog and said hi. I still can't remember how I started reading Charlie's blog (which is quite fierce I might add). I think it must have been one of those days at work when I spent more time surfing the internet than actually working, but either way it was cool to meet him, too bad I was so trashed! lol

However, my Sunday was tainted by one horrible, disgusting, tragic and judgmental individual who shall remain nameless.............the fucking sales clerk at

Before the birthday outing, I wanted to do a little shopping on Michigan Avenue. Normally I shop at Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, or the Guess Store. I do not consdier Neimann Marcus to be a welfare store, but I just think alot of their clothes simply aren't practical. I really have no use for a $400 pair of Dolce & Gabanna jeans that are adorned with metal studs, rhinestones and patches of fur on the back pockets. I can dress very gay sometimes but even I have my limits. However, I decided I would give the store a chance. I actually found some Diesel and Juicy Couture (or as I like to pronounce it "Juicy Culture" lol) shirts, however I was unaware they do not accept Visa or Mastercard. What the fuck. So I had no choice but to open a Neimann Marcus charge account. I was quickly approved and the sales clerk seemed shocked by this. This sales clerk had already annoyed the fuck out of me by following me around the whole time asking if I needed help. Apparently my answer of "no" wasn't good enough. Anyhoo, after the credit approval he so nicely told me "oh, but be sure to pay your bill on time, they get kind of picky about that stuff". I was didn't know what to say. How does one respond to such a remark? I mean, how fucking rude? Did I have big sign on my forehead that said "warning: irresponsible dumb ass"????

Well, as soon as my card arrives in the mail I am destroying it and never returning to that fucking hell hole, because I officially declare Neimann Marcus a WELFARE STORE since it's the only explanation for the lousy service!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Colin's Cock

Oooh...I approve of the Diesel jeans Colin! However, anyone who has seen Colin Farrell's leaked sex video probably isn't too concerned about his jeans at the moment.

Colin is sexy. I don't obsess over him and he would never qualify for one of my Beefaroni posts, but he is bootylicious either way and yesterday I finally saw the infamous sex video that has leaked online. Wow..............it's hilarious! It's so funny that Colin is considered to be soooo sexy, but when you see him in action it's just embarrassing. Well, maybe I don't know much about heterosexual sex, but certainly it's odd for a guy to keep referring to his girl as a "motherfucking sexy bastard"???? To be quite honest, even I would be wierded out if a guy said that to me. The girl he is with is definitely hot (she's a former black playboy bunny, i guess Colin has Jungle Fever! lol), but the poor think keeps getting pubic hairs in her mouth when she tries to give Colin a blowjob. Come on Colin, you had your head shaved in the video, why couldn't you have shaved down there too!? How rude! Especially when you consider the girl had her meat curtains trimmed very nicely.

Well, at least he has a pretty penis. It's about average size, nicely shaped and uncut. I do find it odd though that this video leaks right before his new movie is coming out. I guess with the whole Brangelina thing going on he has to one up Bradd. Bradd adopts a black child so Colin fucks a black girl. Men can be so competitive!

In other news (which isn't quite as exciting), I seem to have lost my own sex tape also. I'm not to worried though since it had been recorded on a BETA tape, and who the hell has a beta player anymore????? I guess having had all of those welfare fuck buddies paid off this time!

Monday, January 16, 2006

"I'll rip your fucking dick off!"

(or maybe just suck it)

That is one of Mario Lopez's many cheesy attempts at being macho in the homerotic low budget sci-fi thriller, "Absolution".

I bought this VHS a few years ago on ebay and apparently now it is a very rare and sought after item. Someone is selling it on Amazon for $185! Anyhoo, two weeks ago I decided it was time to transfer this classic film to DVD, since there is no commerically available DVD to purchase. I watched the film again and I forgot how terrible it was. Basically it is all about Mario Lopez's character going undercover in this futuristic army training camp that is suspected of harboring aliens. For 90% of the movie, Mario and his equally hot and beefaroni comrades are shirtless, in their underwear or in towels. Seriously. The movie is so overtly homoerotic that one can overlook the bad plot, bad sets and bad acting. The most hilarious moment though is the most uncomfortable and unnatural looking "love" scene ever filmed, between Mario and Jamie Lee Pressly. it is about as sexually arousing as a commercial for Depends. But anyhoo, check out the hotness:

I especially love how high the slit in Mario's towel is!

And to continue with today's theme of former Beefaroni actors in homoerotic films/roles, I bring to you one last screen cap from But I'm A Cheerleader, a hilarious comedy about a girl forced to come to terms with her lesbianism. The film featured the dimplicious Eddie Cibrian as a hilarious queen....check Eddie out while he strokes his pole.....

I think this post proves I like more than just horror movies!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Gaydar at the Gas Station

I'm crushed. I have the worst luck ever when it comes to men and it is no wonder that I am single.

I work in the suburbs of Chicago and today during my break I decided to go to the gas station since gas is cheaper here in the burbs than in the city. Well, as I was walking past this SUV my gaydar began to go off. The windows were tinted and I couldn't see the driver but I just knew that there was a homosexual inside! So I paid for my gas and as I was leaving the SUV driver was standing outside filling his tank. We both just stared at eachother for a few seconds. He then said "Hello." to which I responded with a "hello". I felt so weird just saying hi to a stranger at the gas station like that. In the city, there are homos everywhere, but in the burbs this is really a rare ocurrence.

Anyhoo, he was cute so I walked back over to him and we began to chat. I suggested we exchange numbers and he suggested that I take his number and program it in my cell phone. Well, I am really stupid when it comes to cell phones and entering phone numbers but for some stupid reason it didn't occur to me to say "let me get a pen and paper". So he gave me his number and I thought I had saved it in my phone. He didn't take my number and then we said goodbye and left. I got back to work realizing I NEVER FUCKING pressed "save" and his number was gone :(

So now I am going to put one of those "missed connections" ads on Craiglists. Yes, I am a loser.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Lift and Cut

Just a quick post today to pass the time at work (it's rather slow tonight here in the microbiology lab).

Well, I finally invested in an electric shaver. I have heard mixed reviews of these devices from several people so I had spent months hesitating if I should get one. Well, I took a chance and I have no regrets. Goodbye razor burn, goodbye bloody faces, goodbye razor bumps! Yippeee! The only bad thing is I have to shave everyday now since the Norelco doesn't give me as close of a shave as a traditional razor would. But I'm ok with that.

Wow, the other day it was Pepto-Bismal, today it's my Norelco shaver. it's sad how my life is being over taken by Walgreens. I must be bored!

I would also like to give a shout out to my Milwaukee Sister who is celebrating his 29th birthday today! I hope he is filling up on some food for thought, taking a ride on his high horse and making sure his heart is as cold as his apartment! :)=

Monday, January 09, 2006

Strippers, Tonsilitis and Black Poop.

No, that is not the name of my new porn. I don't get into scat, despite what the bathroom walls at Roscoes might say.

I haven't been online much because last week I had tonsilitis. Luckily I got better by Friday because my dear friend Michelle came to visit me. She is from Milwaukee and I have known her now almost 12 years. I would have hated to have had cancelled on her. Anyhoo, we did a little (ok, alot) of shopping, watching movies and sleeping. We ate at the mexican restaurant in my building. The food was ok but it gave me really bad heartburn. I took Peptobismal but I forgot how it turns your shit black. I had black "soft serve" poop for the entire weekend. Gross.

I must say though, the only Mexican restuarant I really like in Chicago is Las MaƱanitas in Boystown. It's beantastic!

My bowels rested just long enough so we could go out and see some strippers at Madrigals. A few other friends of mine joined us. We were going to go to Boystown afterwards but I was not prepared for the parking nightmare that ensued. I lived in Boystown for three years until I moved this past fall. I guess you could say I was spoiled and Saturday night was my first reality check to the severe parking shortage in Boystown. After 40 minutes of searching both Michelle and I agreed we'd be better off getting food and going home. The next time I go to Boystown I am taking a cab or the train!

This week I am back in school. Normally this would be a bad thing, but during my winter break from classes I had to deal with so much petty drama I am actually relieved to be able to go back to back to school and worry about quantum physics, Einstein's theory of relativity or hydration reactions in the presence of Lindlar's catalyst. Ironically, those subjects give me less of a headache than some people do.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I see London, I see France.......

......I see Chicago_Sexbox's underpants.

I have recently discovered this new line of underwear by Ginch Gonch. Normally I am not one to get too excited about underwear. Despite my desire for trendy Diesel clothing, I was always happy with just plain Hanes bikini briefs from Targhetto (yes, even I have welfare store favorites!). Occasionally I would splurge and get some specialty underwear, like these red mesh briefs, from Undergear

I especially loved those red briefs because unlike alot of men's underwear that seems to be designed for Ken Dolls, those underwear actualy have a built in pouch to hold your cock and balls without squishing them. Anhyoo, in a recent Undergear catalogue, I saw this BEEFARONI model wearing these uber cute briefs:

They were very pricey, as is most of the trendy undies marketed to gay men, but I took my chances and ordered one pair. I got them last week and was in love. They were worth every penny! And I absolutely love the patterns. They remind me of the underwear I used to wear as a kid with pictures of Batman abd Superman on the butt. The Ginch Gonch are very childlike, but the names of the various prints are actually quite sexually suggestive, Piggie Bottoms, Woodies, Wiener Eaters, etc. Not only is the product brilliant but so is the ad campaign!

Well, I was overjoyed to find out that there was a porn shop (of all places) here in Chicagio that carries this brand of underwear. So yesterday I went and bought several pairs. Here are some of the designs I purchased:

So to continue with the underwear theme of today's post, I bring to you my BEFFARONI pick of the week, my third favorite underwear model from the Undergear/International Male catalogues. I've already posted a few of his pictures, but here are two more...... Grrrrrr......

I boogie oogie oogied my hot stuff!

I have lived in Chicago now for almost 4 years and this was the first time I had the opportunity to experience Chicago's nightlife on New Years Eve. It definitely is a crazy time in the city. I had a blast with Jorgillo. I don't know where he finds the energy to be such a party animal. He has a liver of steel I tell you! Anyhoo, to make a long story short we had a fierce time. Hydrate had a Studio 54 theme going on for the first half of the night so it was non-stop disco! Woo hoo! Donna Summer, Diana Ross, Blondie, Chic, Sister Sledge, A Taste of Honey.......I was in fucking heaven!!!!!!! Jorge and I were drinking martinis most of the night so after midnight during our drunken stupor we kind of got separated. I was all over some guy on the dancefloor but later on I found a cuter one and left with him. Unfortunately not much happened at my apartment....he passed out! Oh no! I know my sex life has been slow lately, but surely my technique is that rusty, hahaha. I will just tell myself he had too much to drink (which is probably the truth since he could barely talk).

Last night I found myself out again with Jorge, this time at Green Dolphin (Boom Boom Room). I love Monday nights there. It is such a unique mixed crowd and a nice break from Boystown.

With all of the looking back on music of 2005 I have done on my blog, I thought to myself how the internet has introduced me to so much new music I otherwise would not be aware of. Ten years ago my musical tastes pretty much reflected what was on radio or being played on The Box. So I bring to you my Top 5 albums of 1995, let the reminiscing begin!

Mariah Scarey - Daydream In the 90's I religiously bought every Mariah album that came out. By 1999 though, I lost interest in her, along with the rest of the nation!

Real McCoy - Another Night Wooo hoo! I loved all of the white guy rapper/black girl singer techno groups from the 90's!

Selena - Dreaming Of You It's a shame Selena's memory has been tarnished by the 500 "greatest hits" albums since her death, but this album was classic. I was so obsessed with this album that I even considered getting a Selena tattoo when I turned 18. Thank god my friend Reni talked some sense into me!

Jon Secada - Amor I still remember the sales person and his coworkers at Camelot Music store laughing at me when I bought this! How rude!

Marta Sanchez - Mi Mundo/My World The fiercest album of this woman's career. Out of my five picks, this is the one album that I still listen to on a regular basis 10 years later!

My computer is finally fixed and back at home, so look for a proper scandolous beefaroni post very soon!