Thursday, August 30, 2007

Gay Chicago: There's No Place Like Home

On my journey to becoming a gay socialite this summer, I began to notice just how GAY this city really is. I think it is a common fallacy that "Boystown" is the official gayborhood and everything gay ends and begins there. There is no denying that Boystown is very gay, but it is gay in a very flamboyant-in-your-face-Rupaul kind of gay. I guess if Chicago was Oz, Boystown would be the Emerald City. There is alot of glitter, bright lights, pretty buildings, decorative streets and fierce queens all over the place. Lincoln Park and the Gold Coast I suppose could be considered suburbs of the Emerald City. Or perhaps it would be easier to describe them as Boystown's in the closet gay baby brothers?

The gayness doesn't stop there though. It spreads into practically all of the Chicago northside neighborhoods. Uptown, Edgewater and Ravenswood are gayborhoods. Where are the rainbow street lights you ask? Well, with all the crime in those areas I assume the mayor deemed it pointless to beautify those neighborhoods but trust me, they are still very gay. However, in the land of Oz, those neighborhoods would be more like Wicked Witch's castle, because those homos are fucking scary! The guys that cruise those areas look like extras that escaped from a Rob Zombie movie. They don't have time to make themselves look pretty like the Boystown boys. They simply crawl out of there run down studios when they run out of crystal meth and prey on the innocent. I swear, they have no shame. The next time one of those Scary Gays are trying to pick you up at Hollywood beach, look closely, they probably still have the heroin needle dangling from their arm.

Wicker Park, Logan Square and the Ukranian Village are gayborhoods too. I think they could best be described as Munchkin Country. I say this not because the gays in those areas are short, but simply because that's where all of the artsy-fartsy, alternative out cast gays dwell. Nevertheless they are quite entertaining to look at, much like a person with Torrette's syndrome. They simply don't look like the rest of us with their goth make up, excessive tatoos, pierced lips and dirty dread locks. Oh, and they smell. I suppose no one thinks of those areas as being gayborhoods because all of that body odor and LSD in the air could throw off even Cher's gaydar.

And where does the Southside fall into the mix of Chicago gayborhoods? Well, let's just say the Southside might as well be Kansas!

Andersonville is also antoher enigma in the grand gay scheme of things, cuz sweeties, not even an experienced gay socialite like myself can figure out those leasbians!

Monday, August 27, 2007

To Delete Or Not To Delete?

That is the question!

I remember back in the 90's, before cellular phones became so popular, when I used to own a phone book. In that phone book I scribbled the numbers of all of my friends and family. As the years went by and I began to use my cell phone more often I started to carry in my wallet a small piece of paper with a list of phone numbers. Well, in 2007 cell phones are so advanced you can practically have sex with them (I should know, I have tried on many occasions when I couldn't find my favorite dildo). Well, now everyone, including myself, programs all phone numbers in their cell phones. It's very convenient. A little too convenient though, I think. I used to keep the numbers stored in my phone to a minimum. Even when I met new people, they had to undergo a series of tests before I would deem them worthy of being stored in my phone.

Well, when I started on my path to becoming a gay socialite this year I could no longer keep up with all of the little pieces of paper. The bulge from my wallet was distracting people from the bulge from my crotch. That's not good when I am trying to attract cock hungry whores and not money hungry gold diggers. Not to mention, I realized it was officially VERY uncool when in a bar to ask a potential trick to write down his phone number instead of just saving it directly into my phone. It sends the message that I really have no intention of calling.

So now I am faced with a dilemma more important than life itself! Do I delete some of these numbers? I see other people's phones and they are loaded with numbers. I refuse to believe they have so many friends (especially when I consider how fucking bitchy they are! lol). So is this the accepted thing to do? Save a number and never erase it even if there is a minimal chance of speaking to the person again. I suppose that makes sense. I made the mistake of erasing the number of a really BAD hook up that had put a new meaning to the word "fudge packer" (don't people know how to douche? god!) and a few weeks later I unwittingly answered a his call because I didn't know it was him calling. On the other hand, I am starting to get multiple names in my phone. How the hell am I suppose to rememeber if Juan #2 is ok to answer but Juan #5 isn't?

Well, until God can answer these urgent questions racing through my head i will have to take one day at a time....and pray I don't meet anymore people by the name of "Juan"!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Target Zombies

What is it about Target that turns ordinary people into catatonic, zombies that reckelessly wield shopping carts on a mission to purchase as much stuff as possible? It's scary. It even happens to me. I was in Target the other day after having an impromptu lunch date with Private Dancer because I needed drain cleaner and gum. Well, as I wandered through the aisles I was almost run over 10 times by the Target Zombies. They go up and down every aisle with their carts with a blank expression on their face and no regard for anything that might get in the way of their shopping......even other customers! Fortunately I had a basket instead of a cart so I was able to maneuver myself better but I did end up spending $200! I bought cleaning supplies for practically the entire house, protein shakes, and about 6 CD's. For some odd reason I suddenly had to buy all the current Top 40 releases from the past year: Prince, Timbaland, Fergie, Ciara, Justin Timberlake, and Calle 13. Oooh, I even made a "pity purchase" and got Kelly Rowland's cd (she was the one who always had the lesbian hair in Destiny's Child). Poor Kelly. She will never be able to step out from Beyonce's shadow (well, unless Beyonce falls down a flight of stairs again!)

As the days of summer are winding down I find myself partying as much as possible. Seriously, I only worked 2 days this week and my original plans were to relaz a little but the phone would not stop ringing. Monday night I was up until almost 3AM watching movies with a friend. Dinner on Tuesday turned into a non-stop drink fest until 2AM and then Thursday was another late night until 4AM. My classes will be resuming in 10 days so I guess I should enjoy all of this midweek fun while I can! Drinks on a Tuesday night will not be possible when I have to be up the next day at 6AM. I don't anticipate having to give up my socialite status completely though. It's all about having a healthy balance between leisure, work and school. For so long I was not balanced so I am actually looking forward to being a student AND maintaining a social life.

Yesterday I was anxious to see Hilary Duff but the concert was postponed due to the weather (ironicially it never rained, lol)

Well, I don't have to worry about interfering with the Jennifer Lopez/Marc Anthony concert in October. They are playing indoors. I am so excited, I have never gotten such great seats at the United Center before!

Saturday, August 18, 2007


Very important people.

There are so many we meet in our lives. Sometimes it's not so obvious who's important and who's not. I think the traditional opinion of who a "very important person" is is generally someone we have known for a very long time and that we know very well. I don't think that is always the case though. It isn't always necessary to establish some sort of long term rapport with another person for them to have a significant impact in our lives. I can think of several people I have met over the years who were only a part of my life for a very brief period yet contributed significantly to my personal development and growth. Of course, there are also other VIPs that I have indeed known for years and probably will be around for a long time to come.

Identifying who the VIPs in our lives isn't difficult. I think the difficult part (or perhaps we take these people for granted and tend to forget) is telling these individuals just how instrumental they have been in our lives.

Shut Up And Drive Part 2

Well, I still do not move for another month and a half but I am already begun the packing process. I remember the last time I moved I made a long list of everything I hated about my old apartment. I think I even blogged about it. Well, this time I must say I don't have anything to complain about. However, one thing I will not miss once I move back to Chicago's northside is all of the taxi rides. I blogged recently about my frustration with asshole cab drivers, well this past weekend one pissed me off so much I got out of the cab. You know, when I am super drunk at 5AM, I really just want to go home. So, I was absolutely furious when this dipshit cabbie picks me up only to say "Oh, I have to fill up my gas tank, I'll turn off the meter. You can wait in the cab." Um, excuse me? I wanted to go HOME! So I got the fuck out of the cab and found a different one.


As for my Market Day's weekend, everything turned out great. I finished Sunday night at Crobar! The place was so crowded I could hardly move. Thank god for the mezzanine level!

The rest of the week has been fairly low key. I worked a few days, officially signed the lease on my new apartment, and stayed at home for the most part. On Thursday I made my yearly pilgrimage to the mother land......Milwaukee! Ewwww! I honestly didn't think that city could get any worse but it has. Jesus Christ. If it wasn't for the two friends I was visiting I would have no reason to even waste my time going there. What a shit hole. I am afraid it's going to be another year (or two) before I drive there again.

I don't have any big plans for this weekend.....except to clean! I would have loved to go to the beach to show off my fierce Diesel swimsuit I bought in New York but unfortunately the weather is not cooperating.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Back To My Roots!

The words and music of RuPaul have inspired me once again. Yes folks, Mr. SexBox is going back to his roots! I just put a security deposit down on a BEAUTIFUL one bedroom just a few blocks from where I first lived in Chicago. It was exactly what I was looking for except that it was about $150 more than I wanted to spend. It is worth the extra money though. I can't live in a shit hole just to say I have cheap rent. I did that once and learned my lesson. This diva demands luxury!

ANYHOO, I am in the midst of Market Days weekend in Chicago. I was a little uncertain how today would since everyone I know is going Sunday but being the gay Chicago socialite that i am it wasn't long before I ran into some fierce people to hang out with!

So now I am convered in bugs, cum, sweat, dirt, footprints, feces, cotton candy and lube (ok, maybe not all of that, it's been a wild day but I would never disrupt my low carb diet to have candy!)

So I am about to shower up and head back for the "Meat Market" at Circuit. I know the DJ spinning tonight and I am sure he will be throwing donw with some fierce diva dancefloor anthems!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Oatmeal is fierce.

Oatmeal is fierce. I am not talking about that instant shit though. I am talking about the real shit you have to actually cook for more than 30 seconds. I think I should eat it more often. I already eat it about 2-3 times a week and I must say I am always impressed by the nice bowel movements it gives me. You know, the kind that comes out in one chunk and doesn't require any wiping. It's like nature's very own douche!

Oatmeal is love.

Speaking of healthy shit like my colon cleansing Quaker oats, can I tell you how un-fierce GNC aka Goddamn Nasty Cunts is? Sure, GNC is a a great health food/supplement store with so many convenient locations but they are fucking overpriced and their selling tactics are obnoxious. I recently discovered a nice little independent shop in Lakeview that has everything GNC has but with better service and cheaper prices. However, until I move back to the north side, I occasionally have to suffer and go the GNC by my house. Things never change. There is always some ugly, out of shape troll who follows me around the store asking me if I have tried their new vitamins or if I know that there is a more effective version of the product that I am buying or blah blah blah. First of all it's quite evident they don't have the slightest idea what they are talking about. Second of all, I don't take health or fitness advice from individuals who clearly haven't stepped foot in a gym in the last 10 years. I had to get bitchy with the one idiot the last time. He was trying to convince me to buy a different (and more expensive) creatine product so I could avoid "bloating". Was he suggesting that perhaps I looked "bloated"? I snapped back "bloating sounds like more of an over eating issue" and I walked out. Although I had to laugh when he tried to explain to me it has to do with the "pH balance" of the product. What a fucking retard. I bet he couldn't even tell me what pH means.

Anyhoo, this weekend was fun although I partied too much Friday so I had to postpone my apartment hunting. I did get the chance to finally meet one of my online friends from Togerland. We have chatted and shared music for three years now so it was so cool to finally meet Eric!

Friday, August 03, 2007

Musical Apartments

Tomorrow I will looking at apartments. Believe it or not I am moving this fall for the 4th time in 5 years. I still have 2 more months in my current place but there is no harm in starting my apartment hunt early. I am not particularly excited about the actual process of moving, but the time has come to live elsewhere. I think when one lives in a large metropolis like Chicago, it is important to live somewhere that compliments and accomodates one's professional and social life. My life has been constantly changing since I came here from Milwaukee, thus I have needed to move several times. When I first moved to Chicago I wanted an apartment in Boystown. It was really the only area I was familiar with and I knew it was a nice and safe. When I decided I was going to go back to school I thought it would be a good idea to downsize by getting a studio. Well, I definitely saved money which helped me get ready for my return to school, but I also learned that living in a 2x4 box was not conducive to my lifestyle. So from there I moved into a nice, full amenity high rise building downtown. However, the conveniences for which I moved are no longer quite as relevant to my life as they were 2 years ago. I LOVE my apartmentm but life is telling me now that the best place to be is back on Chicago's northside (Lakeview or Lincoln Park to be exact).

I am not in a hurry so I shall be taking my time until I find the perfect place. Price isn't too much of an issue since practiaclly ANYTHING I look at will be cheaper than where I live now. What I am concerned about is finding a place that is fairly modern, clean, and that offers on site parking.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007


I am a casual "Simpsons" fan. I see an ocasional episode here and there. I plan on buying the rest of the DVD's (I only have seasons 1-4). I also wouldn't mind seeing the movie. Other than that I don't get too excited. However I couldn't resist "simpsonizing" myself. I can't tell if it turned out well or not......any opinions?