Saturday, May 31, 2008

4 Dollars (To Save The World)

So when I got back from Mexico all I herd about on the news was the increase in oil and gas prices. Now, I probably don't hold the most popular opinion on this subject but I don't see the big deal. The US still pays the least for gasoline in the developed world. Europe has been coping with higher gas prices for a much longer time and it wasn't the end of the world for them. In fact, they must be doing something right considering the Euro currently shits all over the US dollar. Also, what irks me the most about the gas prices is that the people complaining are the ones who can afford to spend a little extra money. Hmmm...maybe buying that Hummer and moving 60 miles away to some secluded suburb in that million dollar home that was built on forest land and destroyed an entire ecosystem wasn't such a great idea after all. Boo hoo.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Stamp Your Feet

I was in hurry when I wrote my last post about my trip. I hadn't blogged in ages for obvious reasons and felt the need to quick put something up. My trip wasn't as boring as I made it sound. Here are a few more highlights that I failed to mention:

1. I enjoyed hanging out with my coworker and her super hunky son but two things must be said: Apparently I need to spell it out that I am gay as they seriously seem to both be clueless. As for the son, he is so far in the closet himself that he's in fucking Narnia!

2. They sure encourage binge drinking down there. Every club I went to had a $40 cover with an open bar. One night I found myself at this cute trendy euro-style rooftop lounge getting VIP treatment. It became quite evident later on the owner of the club was gay (or maybe bisexual) and was obsessed with me. I appreciated all the special treatment but let's just say he looked like George Lopez's ugly little brother. Ewwww!

3. It's embarrassing at how out of touch the rich old white American tourists are with reality. Apparently "Mexican" is a language.

4. Mexicans LOVE fiber! I found so many yummy fiber filled cookies and baked goods at the local convenience store. I wonder why Kellogs doesn't market these products in the US?

5. The two scary, fake boob, trailer trash 40 something women totally hitting on me and my coworkers son were hilarious. I mean, even after a few drinks how the hell could someone confuse me for a heterosexual? I think they smoked 5 packs of cigarrettes by the time I finished my Cosmo!

Once I returned to Chicago I literally had a zillion social functions to attend. I went with my Gym Sister to the Madonna themed night at a local club. I love Madonna but even I was tired of Voguing after 2 hours. My wrists were killing me!

On Saturday I had the opportunity to meet Donna Summer. She was in Chicago promoting her new album, "Crayons", and after a rather lenghty interview taped for television she sang her latest single, "Stamp Your Feet". There was a meet and greet to end the night and she signed my CD. know I think I have discovered something about myself that I have known for awhile. Yes, I will admit there are many artists whose work I get very passionate about, Donna Summer being one of them, but I simply don't get star struck. In fact, I honestly didn't feel like waiting in line to get an autograph. I have met famous people before and each time it has been very anti-climatic. Maybe after being overwhelmed by the psycho fans who know everytime these artists fart or the extremely rude management teams, I simply don't give a flying fuck to meet celebrities or get my shit signed. I enjoy the cd and I enjoy a good concert. Actually meeting the person is pointless in my honest opinion.

Sunday and Monday were the two big IML parties. I get so excited about this weekend because for me it is like Halloween. I get to wear something absolutely kinky and crazy and have fun. My "outfit" this year consisted of some FIERCE leather boots and a red leather jock strap. To my horror, I found out later that in the Leather Community red means "fisting". Well, fortunately no one messed with my chocolate starfish and I had a blast. Too many guys were cracked out on drugs but that is something I have learned to deal with. I did meet one cute, non-cracked out guy in the VIP lounge at Excalibur. He gave me the best blowjob in ages. I can't imagine having ended my weekend any other way!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Cancún Y Yo

I had such a nice time in Cancún that I extended my vacation a couple days. It was a very relaxing time and while I did check out the straight night life I really had no desire to explore any gay spots. I really was too lazy to go anywhere else and not to mention, unlike Miami, there were really no hot guys in sight. (In other words the locals were ugly as fuck). Cancún was very touristy but at the same time it was not as Americanized as I was anticipating. Once away from the resort a non-Spanish speaking visitor would probably struggle finding someone who could speak fluent and intelligible English. The only part of the trip I didn't care for was the long time it took to get through Mexican customs. Considering this is a town built around the tourist industry you would think they would have a more efficient way of dealing with tired travelers who have just spent several hours on a plane.

I was also disappointed with the shopping choices. With the exception of Diesel, it seemed like everything was over priced compared to what I would find in the US. I did have a wonderful three (yes three) visits to the local Mixup. I forgot how easy it is spend a shit load of money at a music store!

So I have one more week left of my "summer vacation". Tonight I am attending the final International Mr Leather party in downtown Chicago. It should be fierce!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Yo en-tiehn-doe means I get it.

one of the quirkiest songs on Madonna's latest poptastic best selling album, "Hard Candy", is a song called "Spanish Lesson". It's completely pointless and retarded....but oh so much fun! It couldn't have come at a better time as I brush up on my Spanish to prepare for my trip to Cancun. Yes, I am traveling once again. This time a coworker invited me to stay at her time share at an exclusive posh resort........for FREE! So I totally could not turn down the offer. I found a very cheap plane ticket so the for the next few days I am going to be on the playa in my cute Dolce & Gabbana swimsuit soaking up the sun. I don't plan on coming back with any crazy stories. I have uploaded a bunch of movies I have been wanting to watch on my iPod so I think that's what I will be doing the majority of the time.

I am relieved to be getting away not only because cheap vacations are always a good thing but this second year in pharmacy school kicked my ass. I know my life seems like one non-stop adventure but it couldn't be further from the truth. I am just good at making anything sound fun and exciting. The truth is I have not seen the majority of my friends in weeks (some not for several months). Many people's birthdays have come and gone and I completely forgot. I feel terrible but having to sacrifice a personal life was part of the deal when I started at Midwestern. I was warned that the second year of school is the hardest but I thought those were merely rumors. I was mistaken. I feel like I have learned everything about everything. Seriously, I think I had exams almost every week. Today I took my last final and I was just so completely drained from studying, writing papers, presenting projects, and the million and one extra curricular activities I am involved in that I didn't even care if I did well. Sometimes it's ok to get a "B"! LOL

Although I will not have this summer off like I did last year, I am excited to be starting first two of six internships I need to complete before I graduate. The fist one is at a neighborhood hospital. I am so glad it is within walking distance because I am sick of driving out to the burbs!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Artsy Fartsy

I always tell my Milwaukee Sister how much I admire his artistic talent. He is one of the most creative people I know. I often joke that for whatever reason I didn't get any of those stereotypical artistic gay genes (dancing, drawing, singing, etc.). However, today I must make a confession. I ACTUALLY was an artistically inclined adolescent. I loved to draw and actually was half way decent at it. In the 8th grade I was picked by my art teacher to be part of the "advanced" art class. Here are three of my chalk drawing that I did when I was only 12 years old:

The picture of the girl is Laura Palmer from the early 90's cult drama series "Twin Peaks".

Ok so I will admit I was no Picasso, but you have to admit those are pretty damn good for a kid in the 8th grade! Not to mention I grew up in an impoverished ghetto where the only type of encouraged artistic expression was spray paint vandalism. Anyhoo, once in high school I lost all interest in drawing and art. Perhaps this was due to my Black Supremacist gay art teacher in the 9th grade that talked more about the oppression of his people and the evil ways of the White Devil than actually teaching art. Who knows, but years later my drawing talent had deteriorated to the point that drawing stick people was a bit of a challenge for me. Oddly enough I could recite Malcolm X's address to the Nation of Islam without thinking twice.

During my undergrad years in Milwaukee I was required to take 3 credits of art. Fortunately my university used the term "art" quite loosely and I was able to take a creative writing course. Just the other day I came across some of my old notebooks from that class and found one I had written about Madonna. Yes, I am that gay but hey, I got an "A-" for that poem and my instructor used it as part of a class poetry book that was printed and distributed on campus. So I am sharing that poem I wrote so many years ago (1999 or 2000) to celebrate Madonna's (aka M-Dolla) most recent #1 album, "Hard Candy"!

Wow, it's hard to believe that after 25 years Madonna still remains so commercially relevant and the standard by which all female pop singers are compared to. It's even more amazing to think how none of her peers from the 80's were able to maintain careers and saw their true colors fade away into obscurity with only the occasional gay pride performance.

So here is my poem to celebrate the biggest selling female pop star of all time........

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Tell It Like It T-I-S

As I get older (and I know that is hard to believe as I am about as ageless as Cher and Joan Rivers combined) I find myself becoming more and more blunt with people. Perhaps I am just fed up with taking people's shit after 24 years? in point:

So I met this guy online a few weeks ago. In his pictures he looked like LL Cool J. We exchanged numbers and conversed on the phone a few times. Once I determined he was a potentially safe, sane and educated gentleman I agreed to meet him in person. Well, Mr Cool J ended up being more like Star Jones BEFORE the gastric bypass surgery. So I oh so politely excused myself by sneaking out the back door when he was distracted with a phone call. Perhaps that was cowardly of me and I should have just said to his face "Wow, you used fake pictures to lure me here!" but I really wasn't in the mood to be confrontational nor did I feel like being mean and making fun of a fat person in denial. Anyhoo he texted me later calling me all sorts of childish names. Now, I was fine with just forgetting about this whole incident but I unfortunately had to resort to abolute bitchy rudeness. I replied back:

"I'm a flake? Um, that's ironic coming from someone who uses fake pictures or pictures that were taken 50 pounds ago. Goodbye."

Needless to say I didn't get a response back :)

Friday, May 09, 2008

Los 50 Bellos

I always look forward to People En Espanol's "50 Most Beautiful" annual list. It's usually pretty predictable: Thalia, Ricky Martin, Thalia, Ricky Martin, Thalia, Salma Hayek. Well, this year they surprised a bad way! I knew there was going to be trouble when I saw Ivy Queen on the cover. I mean, she looks like some sort of Puerto Rican Tranny Swamp Thing. Oh, and Christina Uglyera still looks like an alien! So as I flipped through the pages it was one butt ugly Latin American celebrity after next minus a few exceptions (Salma Hayek, Eduardo Verastegui). I was extremely bitter that my boo, Mario Lopez, was completely snubbed this year. What the fuck. nevertheless though it looks like I found a substitute boyfriend......

William Levy!!!!!

I never heard of this guy before getting my magazine but when I wanted to look for pictures of him online to post on my blog you can bet I was surprised when I found stuff like this! LOL

Fuck you and your tip!

I have had a love/hate relationship with taxi cabs in Chicago ever since I moved here. I think most cab drivers are complete fuck head retards that can't drive for shit, but hey, when I am super drunk and need a ride at 3AM they are my only choice for transportation. I know I have blogged about issues with cabs before but I had an experience recently that was the final straw. It was during the day and I had only 10 minutes to get downtown. Normally I would just take the bus but I had just missed it. So I got a taxi. Well, he got on Lakeshore Drive and began to drive like immigration was chasing him. He was swerving in and out of lanes, barely missing several collisions with other cars. He then decided to get road rage and tried running another car off the drive. I was stricken with fear as this guy rolled down his window to scream obscenities in whatever third world country language he spoke.
We finally reached my destination. My cab ride was $9.85. I handed the motherfucker $10 and got out of the cab. He started yelling at me so I came back to the cab and got right into his face (I was furious at this point) and said "You drive like a fucking maniac. There is no way in hell you are getting a tip from me. Goodbye."

That felt so good. I have decided now is the time to officially avoid taxi cabs at all costs. I am sick of the fuckers.

Monday, May 05, 2008

A Picture Speaks A 1000 Whores

Next to my computer I have a collage of photographs. They are all fairly recent and consist of my friends and I in various states of undress, soberness, etc. I don't mean to sound all sentimental but sometimes it's nice when I am checking my email or even casually walking past my computer to see some of the smiling faces that bring me so much joy in life. I really have a great group of friends even if some are "secrets" or others don't get along, lol. (As long as they treat me like the fierce individual I am I don't care!)

Anyhoo, these pictures often catch the attention of my guests too. Perhaps because I only display the most eye catching ones? In particular, my "gentlemen callers" especially take notice of my pictures. I used to think it was a result of that post-sex awkwardness that generally occurs after hooking up with a stranger but I have realized they have ulterior motives: nosiness! I don't mind that of course but one thing I have learned thanks to my tricks' uncontrollable snooping is that many of my friends are big time whores, ESPECIALLY the ones who like to pretend they are innocent and pure.

The gay community in Chicago is not as big as you would think it would be and there is probably only a 0.5 degree of separation between all of us. It had disturbed me years ago when I would learn a friend and I had slept with the same guy but now I use that to my advantage when picking potential hook ups. When I see a hottie at the clubs I immediately consult with my friends to find out who slept with him or who knows someone who slept with him. I get all of the vital hook up info: dick size, top/bottom, hairy/smooth, hygiene, etc. It's great have such helpful friends.

BUT, as I alluded above....I sometimes discover some of my friends that try so desperately to create this pure and innocent image really need to give it up. Their lame attempts to be "discrete make them look like total idiots. Honestly, if you are doing something that brings you so much shame that you must lie to keep it a secret, maybe you shouldn't be doing those things in the first place. That's just my two cents. I have no issue talking so frankly about sex so it is hard for me to understand other people's hang ups. If you think sex is bad, don't have it :)