Moo Town Dork in New York

So tomorrow I am making my obligatory "once every 6 months" trip to Milwaukee, aka "Moo Town". Oh how I hate that city. It's only 90 miles north of Chicago but it might as well be 9000 miles away. It's the epitomy of everything that is wrong with the midwest. Ok, perhaps I am exagerating. Surely hick towns in Iowa are worse, but still, Milwaukee sucks ass. The only good thing is I shall be visiting my friend Michelle. She's fierce. Oh, and I will be seeing Mommie Dearest too. Um...no comment on that one.

However, I am not in a bad mood because I just booked a flight to New York City Woooo hoooo! I was reluctant to take a vacation this year becasue of my pending educational expenses, but I found an uber cheap plane ticket. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I should do in NYC? Don't worry if it is something sleazy. Those are my favorite kind of tourist attractions! I was suppose to have gone to NY/New jersey last year to visit Reni but things didn't work out so I went to Puerto Rico instead. Unfortunately Reni won't be in New Jersey anymore when I go in June. That sucks!

I already have two people I plan on seeing when I am New York......possibly a third!

Gotta go!

Wetback Mountain

So I missed the first week of Mario Lopez's stint on The Bold And The Beautiful. You see, I don't have cable and the CBS affiliate here in Chicago comes in really bad on my TV for some reason. Maybe because of all of the skyscrapers near by? I don't know. This week I NEED to buy one of those super heavy duty antennas for my TV. Apparently I have already missed two shirtless scenes of my Love Muffin, Mario. I really have no intention of keeping up with the storyline but to get a weekly dose of a scantily clad Mario Lopez would be a wet dream come true.

Speaking of Mario, check out this spoof of Brokeback Mountain he did awhile ago on Comedy Central. I haven't seen the original movie but I still thought this was hilarious. Mario makes such a good homo :)=

Maxi Man Pads

For my birthday last week my Milwaukee Sister gave me a basket filled with Reese's peanut butter cups (it's an inside joke). I really didn't need the junk food, but whatever, it was spring break. Anyhoo, pigging out on those candies gave me the worst case of Peanut Butter Poop! You know, that kind of poop that you have to keep wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping......and no matter how long you wipe the toilet papaer never comes clean. Well, since I have better things to do than to wipe my ass all day I had to resort to using a homemade "man maxi pad" by placing a few sheets of toilet paper in my crack for the rest of the day. Yes, it was gross and uncomfortable but it sure beat having skid marks in my underwear. Why must our digestive systems cause us so much grief???????

A Question of Time (and Deja Vu)

Woo hoo! I got tickets on Ebay to go see Depeche Mode on May 11th. I really shouldn't have spent the money, and I had to beg my Milwaukee Sister to go with me even though he just spent lots of money on his RBD tickets, BUT, I couldn't miss this concert.....again! You see, Depeche Mode was here in Chicago just a few months ago but because of my school schedule I couldn't go. All of the sudden though they added a bunch of new dates in the US and are coming back! I have never seen them in concert so I am very excited.




Yesterday, I bought these two new releases by salsa singer Michael Stuart (former Beefaroni). Salsa is not a genre I am a big fan of, but he is one of the few artists I do like. Anyhoo, as I was listening to the Greatest Hits cd I was reminded of how much I loved his debut album back in the day (1996). I also was reminded how it was the first album to ever give me "Musical Deja Vu". I know everyone has experienced regulardeja vu before, but has it ever happened when listening to a song? There is a song by Mr. Stuart that when I first heard it, it suddenly made me think of my childhood in the 70's growing up in New York. Hmmmm......I was born in 1979 and have never been to New York. This has happened to me with other songs too. I listen to the song I suddenly have this weird feeling of having been and lived somewhere else. Strangely, these experiences almost always make me think of the same place and era. Bizarre!

Beefaroni, Franky-ly speaking.

I don't recall everything that was discussed on Sunday, but I do remember agreeing with my Sista M and MS-IL that Franky G was fucking Beefaroni. I am not familiar with his acting skills, but I know of him from an article in People magazine. His big biceps immediately caught my attention. So I think he should be this week's Beefaroni. I just wish I could find more shirtless pictures of him. I bet he has some yummy pecs :)

Think Outside The Bun

I am not one to do things the conventional way and my birthday celebration was no exception. I didn't feel like going to some fancy restauraunt this year. I can do boring shit like that when I am old. Instead we started my b-day throwdown at Taco Bell! It was beantastic and the scary employees made things even trashier! After filling up on Chalupas and Tacos, we headed over to Roscoes and made the VJ play all of our favorite 80's/90's videos. Vanessa WIlliams, Michel'Le, Pebbles, Expose, etc. You name and she probably played it. I do not recall with certainty what all transpired, but I did run into fellow blogger Charlie at Roscoes. He was as trashed as the rest of us and we all threw down with an impromptu medley of Avenue D's greatest hits. Charlie is fierce.

Other than that, the rest of the night was pretty standard. We were obnoxious, I pulled down my pants several times, I hid a pool ball in my underwear, we screamed along with every song.......I am sure the Roscoe's staff were annoyed. After Roscoes we then went to Pie Hole. Yummy!

So, as I await for my Taco Bell induced runs to start, I have two questions.

Who the fuck bit me on my arm?
What the fuck do they put in those pitchers?

New York City Boy

It's 4AM and I have just gotten home from the bar. I also just said goodbye to my weekend romance with an out-of-towner. I met the most charming and handsome guy that was visiting from New York, sadly he must return tomorrow. I have never had something like this happen to me before. I didn't get hung up on the fact that I probably will never see this boy again. Instead, I enjoyed the moment and the fact that I was able to make a connection with someone. It was a great feeling and showed me perhaps I was wrong. There are some really great guys out there. They aren't all jerks.

21 Years Old: Part 7

Today is my birthday! As I like to say, I am 21 years old......Part 7! I must thank my Milwaukee Sister for giving me a shout out on his blog. His post worried me though. It seems like all of the pictures he has of me are when I am shit faced. Thank god he's a pinche alcohólica like me!

This Sunday I am having a B-day throwdown at Taco Bell and Roscoes. I am especially excited about Roscoes since they play all 80's/early 90's videos. I have already gushed about my diva Vanessa Williams before on my blog, but if you head to My Milwaukee Sister's blog you can see Vanessa's "Running Back To You" video. It pains me to see Vanessa doing Proactiv infomercials nowadays, but I still think she is possibly one of the most beautiful women in the world! I am not sure what the female equivalent of "Beefaroni" would be, but I am sure Vanessa would be it! I love this woman!



And here is my second favorite Vanessa William's video from 1991, "The Comfort Zone"

Spring Break Here I Cum!

Well, my midterms are done and next week I get a nice long break from school. Unfortunately I still have to work everyday. I wanted to go on a fierce exotic vacation, but I am broke. I don't know how much in government loans I will be eligible for this fall, and considering Midwestern tuition is $22,000 a year, I need to stay on a budget until then.

Luckily my budget will allow me one item........


Woo hoo! Season three is released next Tuesday!!!!! I LOVE this show. I plan on staying up late every night to watch all of the episodes. I am also excited about next week because I have an appointment for a complete physical. Why does this excite me you wonder? Well, if I am lucky I can persuade my doctor into checking my prostate! Woo hoo, there's nothing like knowing your insurance paid for a good fisting session! Now that's what I call quality health care!

And speaking of sex, I think I must make good on a promise I made in my last post.

Let's talk about cum!



man juice, splooge, jizz, nut, man chowder, man mayo, leche.... I could go on and on there are so many synonyms. I have been taking a very random and unscientific survey lately about people's view on this fierce body fluid. I think it is quite fun and am totally turned off by guys that are scared of cum. I understand not everyone wants to swallow (it's not the safest thing to do), but what's the big deal with getting some on your face, chest or legs? I LOVE cum pigs that let me squirt my juice all over them! Now that's hot! And I am not a big baby either when it comes to taking a load in return. Cum happens. Why be afraid or disgusted by it?

However, the other day at the gym I noticed I had a huge cum stain on my sweat pants.......ewwww......cum stained clothing at the gym is only fierce if you are a White House intern. Thank god no one noticed.

And finally, I just want to take the time to say I just realized Blogspot comes with a spell checker. That's right, expect there to be no more typos when I post. I expect the same from all of my blogger buddies too. Anyone who gets caught spelling incorrectly is getting splooge in their lunch :)

The Flavor of Love

If love had a flavor, I bet it would taste like cum! I mean, what else could it taste like? Anyhoo, I will save a post about my appreciation for man juice some other day. I was actually referring to the VH1 reality show starring Flava Flav of Public Enemy fame.




I think I have mentioned this before, I do not have cable and I barely ever watch television. I have better things to do, but at the gym, it's another story. As I run on the treadmill I always check out VH1's various reality programs. The past two months I have been intrigued by "The Flavor Of Love". I say "intrigued" because I think the concept of the 20 women fighting over the extremely gross and disgusting Flava Flav goes against all laws of nature. I mean, he is NASTY and looks like he would smell like left over KFC and geri curl juice. Yuck. It's quite disturbing actually watching these girls fight for his affection. Some even seem to actually care about this guy. I suppose that is what makes the show even more surreal, that these women are serious. Poor things.

Well, today was the finale and out clock wearing and gold teeth having bachelor made his pick. I was so glad he didn't pick the girl that looks like a crackhead tranny. I am looking forward to more of VH1's trashy reality shows! They are so bad they are good!

Daydream Believer

I have always been a daydreamer. Some might say it is unhealthy to create an imaginary world in one's mind as that might impede an individual from confronting life's real obstacles, however I think daydreaming has quite the opposite effect. The hours I spend daydreaming at work, at school, or when I am all alone in my cold apartment actually probably have kept me from becoming the "bitter queen" so many gay men turn into. I remember when I was a little child I always daydreamed that I was really adopted and that one day my real parents were going to come for me. Sadly, that never happened and I finally had t oaccept the fact I truly was a spawn of Satan (my mother). As an adult, I often daydream about what life would be like if I won the lottery (come on, we all do that at least once), if I were to study abroad, if I moved to another city, if I had taken a different career path, etc.

I am writing about this today, because I recently was slapped in the face by reality. You see, when my daydreams do come true, they often come true in a very sick and twisted way. I have always envisioned myself studying at the school library one day when I look up and glance into the eyes of a beautiful and charming young man. It's love at first sight and we start having "study" dates. We help eachother with our homework, get soy lattes together before our morning classes, spot eachother in the gym, plan our classes so we can have lunch at the same time......yes I know, this is all quite vomit inducing, but bear with me.

So yesterday as I was hanging out in the computer lab looking for videos on you tube, that connection I just described was made........except the guy was a creepy child molestor looking smelly 30-something freak. He reminded me of Barney from the The Simpsons, but sober. This man must have been a graduate student because he looked like he was pushing 40. he came up to me quite abruptly (mind you I was at a computer AND listning to my iPod) and commented about how "hot" it was in the computer lab. Ewwww. He then said how he loved working this computer lab because no one ever bothered him. Geee, I wouldn't know. He sat back down and I though that was it, until he came back a few minutes later to tell me about some skit on Comedy Central involving a pharmacist and a gay politician. At that point there was no doubt in my mind he was hitting on me. I was especially weirded out that he hit on me with a story about a pharmacist. Has he been stalking me? How would he have guessed my major? I was only able to sleep well that night by telling myself it was a coincidence.

Maybe I should daydream about scary men flirting with me. Then I just might meet some hot beefaroni guy!

You Snooze You Lose.

I don't think "Fuck Buddies" deserve the same patience and respect an actual partner should recieve. "Fuck Buddies" exist for one reason only, and if they become inconvenient it's time to let them go. When I tell a fuck buddy to call me in 30 minutes, I fucking mean it. Not 20 minutes, not 35 minutes, and DEFINITELY not ONE HOUR later. Sorry, times up, offer expired!

Also, on a totally different note, have you ever gone to see a stripper and when he gets on stage you think to yourself "Oh wow, he's not hot at all and has an average skinny body...ewww...". But then he pulls off his pants and it becomes VERY clear why this man strips. I always have said, if you are going to look like you've been hit by a truck at least have a 10 inch cock!

My Quarter Life Crisis

I must thank My Milwaukee Sister for the fierce birthday invite. I shall be having a white trash themed birthday party at Taco Bell followed by some fierce freestyle/80's videos at Roscoes. Although I don't consider my upbringing to have been "white trash", we were poor enough so there were definitely some white trash elements always present (did anyone get the free government cheese years ago? it was fucking fierce! lol)

So this means in less than two weeks I will be turning 27. Ugh. I suppose I should have experienced my "quarter life crisis" 2 years ago, but what can I say, punctuality is not one of my virtues. So allow me these few seconds to be overly dramatic.

I am not exactly sure why being in my late 20's is so traumatizing. I definitely have accomplished much, professionally and academically speaking. Perhaps I am aware of the the agist society we live in and I dread being old. I am not agist. I am totally fine with other people getting old, just not me! I am already getting those stupid comments from younger people when I tell them my age. "Oh, that's not THAT old......I guess." or "Oh wow, you look so much younger!". Well, what the fuck, of course late 20's isn't old! And how the fuck should I look at this age? Like Bill Gates?

I am sure this anxiety will quickly pass. However, I am making it a point to utilize the rest of my 20's wisely. I want to travel more and refine my socialization skills. I need to loosen up and stop being always so serious when I go out, whether it be a bar or some other social event. I remember back when I was 20 I was such a carefree and fun guy. I suppose I still am to a certain extent (in other words with the right amount of alcohol) but I feel like my professional and academic personas have taken over and the old me has been shoved in closet somewhere. I have become this sterile, reserved, all work no play, party pooper.

Ok, my dramatic rant is over. I am sure I exagerated a litte but whatever. So here;s a little Beefaroni Flashback. A few weeks ago I was obsessing over Eddie Cibrian and all of the sudden I am finding these new uber hot pictures. Yum.



And finally, I heard back from UIC's College Of Pharmacy. They wanted me to come for an interview. It felt so good writing them back to inform them I had accepted an offer elsewhere. Ahhhhhh.....rejection is great when it isn't me that's being rejected! :)

Febreeze and Chipotle are Fierce.

I am so bored tonight at work, I thought I would take the time to declare two items (instead of just one) as being "fierce" this week.



Febreeze is a miracle from God. Whenever I am too lazy to wash a smelly shirt or clean my house before company comes over, I just use a few squirts of this stuff. Like magic, my problems go away. I cannot tell you how many times Febreeze has come in handy with my various fuck buddies. One trick leaves and with another one on his way in 30 minutes there is no time to do laundry! Just a few squirts of Febreeze and my sheets smell fresh and virginal all over again!



I suppose Chipotle is my healthier alternative to Taco Bell. The chicken burritos are my favorite. I am such a picky eater but the fierceness of Chipotle made me try guacamole for the first time. I LOVED it and now I can't bare to see my burrito without a huge helping of green diarrhea! Yum!

Alanis, sono spiacente!

I think I was a little harsh on poor Alanis Morissette in my last post. I know she's "heard it all before" but I would like to apologize to Canada's beloved horse faced pop star. I heard "You Oughta Know" the other day on the radio and I was reminded how fierce that song was. Granted, she's turned out nothing but crap since then, but NO ONE has been able to capture such anger, disgust and bitterness in a break up song like Alanis did 10 years ago. The bitch sounded so convincingly crazy in that song. I am sure we call identify with that song at some point in our life. I knpw I can!

Last night was the Moenia concert. I feel like I see them live every other weekend. Thankfully this time around they performed several songs they normally never do live (at least in Chicago), such as "Traquilidad", "Terminales" and "Lado Animal. Once again though I had to endure trashy naco straight couples. Ugh. One couple got so drunk they had to be escorted by security. Then this fat ass motherfucker that looked like Big Pun was having a dispute with his "bitch". I was so annoyed. Couldn't he have waited until they got at home to beat her? They call it "domestic" abuse because it's suppose to happen in the privacy of one's home, not at a concert! There were a few straight guys who pushed their way in front of me but that's ok. I didn't budge and I took the opportunity to rub my bulge on their ass. If you skip me you are going to get ass raped! Unfortunately none of them were cute, but I am sure they felt uncomfortable (although with this "down low" phenomenom maybe they stood in front of me on purpose). Fucking closet cases.