Sunday, July 27, 2008

Letter of Complaint

Dear Mr. Sexbox,

It has come to my attention in the past few weeks that I have been working excessive overtime without any sort of rest or adequate time to detoxify myself. There are 9year old indigenous girls in Kathy Lee Gifford sweat shops that work less than I do. The weekends have become increasingly difficult with your unreasonable demands. I mean, are 4 shots of Goldschalger really necessary within 2 hours? I think not.

I am afraid I will be left with no choice but to go on strike soon if you don't give me at least a two week vacation. Trust me, I fucking need it.


Your Liver

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Latin Gay Ghetto Queens

Within the gay community there exists a plethora of labels: bears, bottoms, tops, jocks, bois, twinks, queens, cubs, daddies, etc. The list could go on and on really. Some may argue that by further dividing a minority group is rather counter productive in terms of social acceptance, however I see things differently. The labels exist because gay people really do come in all shapes, sizes and colors. The labels simply highlight this reality of the gay community so that naive heterosexuals can see that we all aren't Cher loving, anti-carbohydrate, glittered label whores. I am not sure which label I could get, but I most definitely love me some Cher! Hey, what can I say? I believe in life after love.

Anyhoo, I wanted to take the time today to blog about Gay Ghetto Queens, in particular the Latin ones. The picture I posted above is not of a gay man (well, as far as I know) but is the perfect pictorial representation of the Latin Gay Ghetto Queen (LGGQ) in the Chicagoland area. For whatever reason these boys always look like anorexic Reggaeton singers. They'd rather wear Fubu than Prada, are obsessed with shaving all sorts of designs in their hair and eyebrows, and if you check out their myspace page, it is usually a hot tranny mess that takes 5 hours to load because they have cluttered it with too much Old English font, bling bling, 500 different reggaeton music videos, and a very grammatically poor "about me" profile that most likely includes the words: "fo'", realz","nikkaz" or "holla". Oddly enough, depsite their adaptation of mannerisms normally associated with the hypermasuclinity and machismo values of the Reggaeton world, they still manage to look more feminine than RuPaul.

I mention this subcategory today because it has recently come to my attention that for some unknown reason, these LGGQ's seem to always be attracted to me. I really don't know why. I am like the LGGQ anti-Christ. I rarely use any sort of street slang (unless "mangina" counts), I never text anyone saying "Sup pa?", I don't wear clothes that are 2 sizes too big and it will be a cold day in hell before I get any type of design shaved in my head. To be quite honest, I am a nerdy dork. So I think the next time one of these chilled out cool ass nikkaz try to kick their game to me I am going to politely ask, "Before this conversation proceeds any further, could you please tell me what has prompted you to approach me? Oh, and how big is your dick?"

Hopefully this new tactic will reveal some more of life's great mysteries!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Samantha Sexbox

"Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another"

At the going away party for my Homegirl Wanda a few weeks ago, Wanda and Federiko were discussing the "Sex And The City" movie when Wanda pointed out that if we were the characters in real life I would be Samantha. If you saw my post a few weeks ago I am not familiar with the show nor the characters so I wasn't sure if that was a compliment or an insult. Nevertheless, my curiosity got the best of me and I did a little investigation as to what this Samantha character was all about. Well, after the initial fury of being compared to the OLDEST cast member subsided, I was laughing all day as to just how accurate Wanda's comparison was. While I wouldn't consider myself a "Trysexual" since I definitely DON'T try just anything just once (fisting will always be out of the question), I am pretty close. My former Brazilian lover from 2007, Xica once told me he loved the fact that outside of the bedroom I was this serious nerd but as soon as the door shut I turned into this Super Slut Sex Maniac. Eh, I am going to have to take his word for it but let's just say he gave me 8 inches of inspiration.

Everyone talks about how they mature over the years professionally, personally, etc, but I think we rarely stop and think about how we mature and evolve sexually. Believe it or not I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19. For the two years that followed I was completely abstinent, partly due to choice and partly due to circumstance (the men in Milwaukee are FUGLY!). I was still quite timid and shy when I moved to Chicago. It was several months before I had my first hook up. Shortly after that i was swept away by a sea of hot and sexy men (well, there were a few occasional trolls that snuck in, but I like to look back on them as a bit of charity work). Despite my new found sexual liberation I also suddenly became so concerned about what other people thought of me. As I got older though i realized the ones who are so quick to point a finger and judge are either A) bigger sluts than me, B) repressed jealous sluts, C) sluts on the down low, or D) pissed off sluts cuz I didn't want to have sex with them. once making that revelation I think I reached yet another level of sexual liberation. Suddenly I no longer felt shy disclosing every detail about my sexual escapades with my friends. The liberation manifested itself in different ways I think too. I suddenly became less shy about being seen nude (or practically naked) whether it be with strangers at the gym or changing clothes in front of friends.

So here I am, the Chicago gay version of Samantha. Well, I suppose that's better than being known as the Chicago gay Dorothy Zbornak!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Tie The Knot

For the 24 years I have been on this planet I have successfully avoided the need to learn how to tie a necktie. No one ever taught me as a child (I grew up poor and ghetto, no need for a tie!) and the one time I absolutely had to wear a tie I bought one of those tacky clip on ties. Well, last week my hospital pharmacy rotation ended and I have now started a community pharmacy rotation that has a strict dress code. This dress code requires men wearing ties. I initally began to panic. I had only two days to buy a couple ties and learn how to wear one! My first instinct was to call a friend so he could teach me, but then I realized I was being a big pussy. I knew this day was going to come sooner or later so I went on You Tube and discovered several instructional videos. It was easier then I thought and now I don't understand why ties intimidated me for so long!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

French Fierceness

When I was younger I couldn't understand why someone would listen to music sung in a language that they didn't speak. As i got older and my musical tastes became increasingly influenced and molded by the many international cable television channels I watched and the various internet sites I visited, it became clear to me that music really is a universal language. it's not necessarily something you understand, but it is something you FEEL.

About 5 years ago I was introduced to Mylene Farmer and immediately became infatuated not only with her amazing music but also her ecclectic music videos. I think she is even more innovative than the so-called Queen of MTV, Madonna.

Mylene's latest video is absolutely stunning. The second video, "Fuck Them All" is an equally fierce clip from last album a few years ago.


Sunday, July 13, 2008


So as I was at the grocery store today purchasing all of my vegetarian and low carb goodies, when I was assaulted by a slew of celebrity magazines and tabloids newspapers all featuring the supposed affair between Madonna and Alex Rodriguez. I generally don't care about celebritys' extramarital shenanigans, but the odd obsession the media has with this story got me thinking about Mr. Rodriguez. I am not a baseball fan (which is strange considering the game revolves around a long phallic object, balls, and hot men in skin tight pants) so I really didn't know who this guy was before this big "scandal". I can't decide if this Dominican Daddy is a total Beefaroni DILF or a cross eyed special olympic reject.

In some pictures he looks so sexy I can't but to fantasize mounting his big baseball bat and seeing just how good A-Rod's rod feels.

Then there are other pics that make me wonder if Alex was the result of some sort of twisted Nazi mutant DNA cloning experiment gone haywire.

Hmmmmmm....only time will tell how I ultimately feel about this subject far more important than life itself!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Coffee Shop-aholics

There are a few coffee shops that I pass every day on my way to the gym. Surprisingly they AREN'T a Starbucks but lesser known chains based here in Chicago. I am not a coffee drinker so I rarely have a reason to go inside these coffee shops. It may be quite shocking to hear this, but I don't even utilize the shops for the potential cruising for sex! The sauna at my gym is just fine for that.

Nevertheless, during the summer I have the chance to see exactly who the most devote coffee shop patrons are since the outside sidewalk seating areas are open. I must say it is very disturbing to see the same individuals over and over again. It doesn't matter what time of the day or what day of the week. They are always there chit chatting and sipping a latte. Who the fuck has that much free time? Even more important, what kind of loser spends every waking moment at the coffee shop?

I remember meeting a guy once who liked the idea of having coffee shop dates. I personally thought it was the most unromantic and cheapest thing someone could think of. I mean, if you are meeting a person for the first time ,then fine. No one wants to waste money on a expensive dinner for a blind date that turns out to be a freak. I stopped seeing that guy shortly after his ridiculous date proposals (well, that wasn't the only reason why I let him go)

I just don't understand the coffee shop-aholics!

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Drunk Kwestions

As i stumbled home from the bars tonight (hey, don't judge me at least i don't fucking drink and drive like half the mother fuckers in this city who probably are so fucking quick to pass judgement on someone who drinks and blogs) I had to ask myself (well, not out loud, I didn't want to look crazy) these following five questions!

1. Who the fuck rollerblades at 4AM???????

2. Who the fuck needs to make an emergency trip to Jewel at 4AM??????

3. Why are there a fucking herd of ghetto queens on every single corner on Halsted at 4AM??????? (they can't all be prostitutes because there is just too much damn competition)

4. Is it normal for the taxi cab drivers to smile, grab there crotch and then offer rides?

5. ok, I don;t have a fifth question but I am too lazy to edit my post.

Ahhh, good night.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Bachelor Beefaroni

If there are any readers of People Magazine out there, then it is quite likely you have already seen the incredibly hot and sexy photo shoot Mario Lopez did in honor of the magazine declaring him this summer's sexiest bachelor. Well I had to buy two copies of the magazine just incase my excessive masturbating ruined one of them! Mario recreated iconic beefcake photos of the past, such as Marky Mark's Calvin Klein underwear ads from back in the 90's.

Um wow. Just think. Mark was in his early 20's when he posed in his tighty whities and now we have Mario who will be turning 35 this year looking 100000 times better! You know, I get much satisfaction from seeing so much Mario Lopez coverage in the past year. This isn't because I practically orgasm everytime I imagine his hard, muscular body pressed up against mine doing things that I have only seen in porn, but for so many years my Mario obsession was ridiculed by people around me. I felt like a crack fiend who had to indulge in my addiction behind closed doors to avoid being caught. Well, now Mario and I have the last laugh! Mr. Lopez has come a long way from his Saved By The Bell years.....and I only hope he continues to cum some more!