Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Morals are for pussies.

So last year I went on a few dates with an UBER hot security guard/cop from my job. He ended up being a complete loser so I severed all contact with him. I believe I even blogged about this situation.....

Anyhoo, so I haven't seen this hottie around since then. I wasn't even sure if he still worked at my job, but the past week I have bumped into him twice. Both times his eyes lit up when he saw me. We didn't have time for much talking but these encounters suddenly got me thinking. Would I be able to go out with this guy again despite what happened? I won't deny the fact that I still think he is UBER hot. But, would I be disrepecting myself if I gave into temptation? Would this go against my good Christian morals?

'Hell to the no' as Whitney Houston once said!

I am not looking for a boyfriend at this point in time, but I already know this guy isn't boyfriend material. So, I essentially would use him for a free dinner and sex. We never did have sex when we first dated but I suspect it would be good. Once when he was drunk he admitted to having a large penis. While this is a comment 99% of men will make, I definitely believed him......unless that massive bulge in his jeans was a severely advanced case of testicular cancer. He was also an amazing kisser. So my homo instincts tell me it would be a good time in bed!

So I shall wait and see what happens...but I will be stocking up on the Trojan Magnums just in case!

Monday, March 30, 2009


Have you ever had a friend that suddenly developed "boyfrienditis"? The signs and symptoms are usually the always the same. The friend calls you all of the time to hang out, go shopping, get drunk at the bars and then suddenly he/she disappears. As you are about to call the local missing persons center you find out that the person has a boyfriend. This situation always irks the fuck out of me and sadly I must admit it has happened MANY times. It is partially for this reason I am "cleaning house" as I mentioned in my previous entry. I realize some people are big losers and their self worth can only be determined by being in a relationship but I do not appreciate being used as some sort of human Blockbuster that entertains the single folk until they find a boyfriend to tend to their codependencies.


BUT.....sometimes boyfrienditis can work to my advantage! For example, I have a friend who is currently in the most dysfunctional relationship ever. I know when him and his boyfriend are having a dispute because....well, this friend finally calls me after 4 weeks of not even acknowledging my existence. It goes without saying that this friend is one of my "high maintenance" friends. So when I look at the big picture, his case of boyfrienditis actually works to my advantage. Instead of weekly drama I only have to deal with monthly drama. My stress levels have been reduced significantly so I must thank the God/Allah/Buddah/Dannii MInogue for the dysfunctional relationships of those around me. I just hope they don't think I am going to cover the hospital bills when the next dispute ends in a fist fight!


I LOVE Keri Hilson's new album! I am so glad it finally was released. She caught my attention when she did "The Way I Are" with Timbaland two years ago but last year I fell in love with the first single from her solo album, "Energy". (here is a lovely dance remix video). I love the lyrics of the song.

Anyhoo, the song didn't chart well so her album got pushed back. I am now re-falling in love with this song. Wow...I can relate. I think back to some of the relationships I have had in the past 12 years and they most certainly took all of my energy. Same goes for friends too. I am not perfect but when I sit down and think of all of the times I gave and gave and gave and got nothing but shit in return I can't help but to put on stilletos and punch my bitterness away (in between sets of casually choreographed hand movements) at my local boxing ring just like Keri.

Either way I feel like I am at a point in my life where I don't feel like relationships or friendships are "taking all of my energy". Despite the fact I am moving later this year, I am still actively dating. In fact I have met a really nice guy recently. He's handsome, a gentleman, and is amazing in bed. I don't feel obligated to do anything special for him. No gifts, cards, daily phone calls, no pressure. I love it. At no point am I feeling inconvenienced or, even worse, used.

As far as "friends" go, well, it's come time for me to clean house (again). Not that there is anything wrong with that. I value my friends...but sometimes I need to stop using all of my "energy" on some people when I clearly see that it is a waste. I'd rather focus on friendships that continue to thrive. Friendships are two ways streets and I unfortunately have made the mistake of going down one ways for quite some time now.

I think I'm going to go listen to some Miss Keri now....she's turing me on (turning me on)..........

Monday, March 23, 2009

Triple X Birthday Throwdown

I went all out for my "Dirty Thirty" birthday this past weekend. I had a pre-birthday throwdown on St. Patty's Day when my Miami Fairy Godmother made a surprise visit to Chicago! The real party came Saturday night when I had official party at Delilah's in Lincoln Park. The night started out slow as the bulk of the guests arrived fashionably late, but by 9pm neither the unsuspecting staff at Delilah's nor myself knew what hit them! My guest of honor, Wanda flew all the way in from New York and made sure the drinks were flowing and my fat ass didn't eat all of the cup cakes. A special appearance by the HUNGarian stripper extraordinaire, "Giorgio", made the night even more exciting. I honestly had no idea that I would get such an aggressive performance. Before I knew it i was handcuffed and had booty and cock rubbing all over me. It was interesting to see Giorgio then gyrate all over my Pretty Lesbian Friend! I bet she never expected a face full of cock! The night ended with me (Caroline), my Sista M (Angel) and Matthew (Margo) performing to the Cover Girls' freestyle classic, "Show Me".

The night didn't go without any mishaps. I threw up about 4 times and made quite the mess on my D&G jeans. My breath was pretty gross by the end of the night too. Luckily, I had time to go home and shower up before going to Circuit for more dancing and alcohol! So today I am sore and hung over....yet I can still smell my HUNGarian strippers crotch everytime I close my eyes.

(and that is a penis water gun in the first pic.....not the real thing, sorry! LOL)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

My Failed Suicide Attempt (aka Turning The Big 30)

This morning I woke feeling very different than I normally do. There was no morning wood or that wonderful refreshed feeling of having just slept 8 hours. Instead I woke up in a cold sweat and panic. Sometime shortly after midnight, while I was sound asleep dreaming of a naked Mario Lopez washing my kitchen floor, my youth quietly packed its bags and crept out the front door. Today was the day I knew would eventually arrive no matter how many wrinkle creams I used or teenage virgins I sacrificed on my trip to Haiti. Today I turned 30 years old.

I tried to keep my composure as I crawled out of bed but by the time I made it to the bathroom tears were streaming down my face. I felt completely defenseless against the cruel hands of time. I never cared if OTHER people turned 30......I just didn't think it should happen to me too. My attempts to dry my tears were in vain. I stumbled into my living room only to be confronted with pictures and momentos of my youth. I was surrounded by them and they stared back at me. They were mocking me. Mocking my descent into a geriatric hell. It was at this point my tears and despair turned into a motherfucking RAGE! I started ripping pictures from the walls, breaking frames, and destroying anything that even dared to remind me of the young and vital man I once was merely 24 hours earlier. Admidst the destruction I began screaming at the top of my lungs cursing God. How could he let this happen to ME? It was at that point I simply felt so alone, tired, and OLD that I decided to end it all and down the bottle of Flinstone chewable vitamins in my medicine chest. Much to my dismay the bottle was nearly empty. With only two vitamins left I decided that wouldn't be an effective suicide. I saw this as a sign to do something perhaps even more dramatic. I decided to throw myself in front of a CTA bus!

After 45 minutes waiting at the bus stop there still was no bus so I left. What the fuck is wrong with the public transportation in this city? Anyhoo, I retreated back to my apartment to think of a Plan C. To my surprise there were 2 police officers in my apartment. Granted the one was sexy and had a HUGE package, but I felt really embarrassed. Apparently all of the commotion I caused scared my neighbors and someone called the cops. I explained to them that everything was fine despite the fact it looked like Mariah Carey had just ransacked my house looking for the world's last bucket of KFC.

Once the police left I went back in the bathroom to check my medicine chest one last time for ANYTHING that could put an end to my misery.....when something caught my attention.....or actually I should say something didn't catch my attention. As the tears dried I saw my reflection in the mirror and wow........I didn't see any fucking wrinkles! For the first time that morning I started to smile.....still no wrinkles or crows feet! I started to laugh and then I noticed how nicely my Dolce & Gabbana pajama top snugged my torso and its 8% percent body fat. WOW, considering I just endured a mini-nervous breakdown and attempted suicide I had to admit....I looked fucking FIERCE! Suddenly turning 30 didn't seem so bad. I cleaned up the mess I made and got ready for work. I then noticed one of the hot police officers had left his number for me. Needless to say I got laid too on my 30th birthday.

Hmmmm...I must say turning 30 is quite wonderful!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Gym Litter

I belong to a gym in my neighborhood. I am usually there 5 times a week. Even after I have had a really rough and exhausting day it is such a stress reliever to turn on my iPod and work up a sweat for 90 minutes. Even though I am surrounded by people, I feel like I am in my own little world for those 90 minutes. It's a lovely feeling really.....well, until I stumble across some gym Litter.

Gym Litter is what I call the people who come to the gym to do everything BUT work out. They linger by every single piece of equipment attempting to strike up conversations with anyone willing to listen about their irritable bowel syndrome, job promotion, bad knee, Lasik or gastric bypass surgery (or something else equally uninteresting). Some make futile attempts to pretend they are working out. While I respect them for somewhat using the gym for its intended purpose, this sub-class of Gym Litter also succeeds to annoy me and others since they stand in the way of the other weights or equipment so no one else can get through.

Finally my gym is located in Chicago's Gayborhood there is also the additional nuisance of Gym Litter that simply are looking for a hook up. I'm all for casual sex but some of these guys look thirstier than a Catholic priest at a Boyscout weekend retreat. They are fucking creepy and NOT discreet at all. Seriously, even a clumsy person suffering from muscular dystrophy could hold onto his towel better than some of these pervs. Honestly, if I want to jerk off in the steam room I would go to a bath house....not my neighborhood gym! Geez!

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Malignant Senioroma

Have you ever heard of students with "senioritis"? Well, I think I have a malignant senioroma! I still have 6 more months of clinicals but I feel like I am ready to graduate NOW! This week has been grueling. Although classes are officially over I had to be on campus three more days this week. One day was for immunization training. I am so proud that I know how to use needles now for purposes other than illegal opioid narcotic addictions. Yay me! The third day was for a clinical rotation orientation.....which was rather pointless for about a fourth of my class (including me) since we have already completed two rotations last summer. Today was my first day at my general medicine rotation site, Weiss Memorial. While I didn't do much the first day I am very eager to begin utilizing my superhuman pharmacy student powers to ensure safe and proper pharmacotherapy! You don't want to see a person survive a near life threatening bout of septic shock with a nasty bug like Pseudomonas aeruginosa only to have that patient die of renal failure or end up deaf because the clinical pharmacist was too lazy to calculate patient specific pharmacokinetics of the amikacin and vancomycin doses and make adjustments as necesary per the Pharmacy and Therapeutics protocol. Hmmmm.....and if I only had a dime for everytime someone asked me why pharmacists get paid so much for counting pills and passing out medication. grrrrrrrrr......

Anyhoo, I don't have much more to report. I think I found a nice friend with benefits to keep me busy until I move to Miami. Did I mention he's Brazilian and an underwear model? Yes Margaret, God really does listen!