Monday, May 29, 2006

Stupid Fucking Drunk Bitch

Wow, I feel like I haven't blogged in ages. I finally was able to go out again this weekend and get wasted. I don't think my liver was too happy but whatever! I went bar hopping on Saturday and from what I can recall I had a great time. Apparently though I was being too flirty with a friend of a friend and I guess he was getting uncomfortable. Ugh, what a prude! The highlight of the night though was something that I unfortunately do not remember. As the bar was closing and the music had stopped, some girl passed out and fell on the floor. Most people around seemed quite concerned and ran to assist the poor girl. Not me though. Being the cold hearted bitch that I am, I began shouting "She's a fucking drunk bitch! She fucking deserved it! Look at the fucking drunk bitch on the floor!". Aren't I nice?

On Sunday I took advantage of my first day off in almost 2 weeks and went shopping on Michigan Ave. Fortunately I was not in a mood to spend money. All I bought were some Portuguese books from Borders (yes, I was not joking when I said I want to learn Portuguese). I constantly need to be doing SOMETHING with my life, otherwise boredom and monotony drive me crazy. So I am quite enthusiastic about this new "project".

Sunday night I went on a date! Um, I can't say too much about that one though. Let's just say I've had better.

Today is Memorial Day and I am working. Joy.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


In my continuing efforts to educate those less fortunate individuals whose only exposure to dance remixes is whatever is played on mainstream radio, I present to you the top current remixes on my iPod.

Depeche Mode - "Suffer Well (Dirty Monkey Mix)": Don't waste your time children checking your cd or vinyl singles to see if you have this one. You don't. Only a select few are lucky enough to have this after hours tour de force. This remix was done by the legendary Peter Rauhofer and is NOT commercially available. This is the kind of remix you expect to hear on a Saturday night, after 3AM on a dark, crowded and steaming dancefloor.

Dannii Minogue - "So Under Pressure (Riff And Rays Remix)": Dannii returns to a sound very reminiscent of the "Neon Nights" era and doesn't miss a beat. Whay can't Kylie's remixes be this fierce?

Kim English - "It Makes A Difference (Tony Moran Mix)" Kim always brings an element of spirituality to the dancefloor without ever sounding too preachy. That, plus the talent of super DJ Tony Moran, leaves us with a "hands in the air" anthem for 2006.

Sylver - "Lay All Your Love On Me (Extended Mix)" The Belgian super duo return with this trancified cover of the old ABBA hit. Sylver make this song theirs with Silvy's majestic vocals and Wouts sophisticated arrangements.

Monday, May 22, 2006

70 Hours

So I am working about 70 hours a week now that I am done with classes. No one is forcing me to do this, so don't feel sorry for me (I am not complaining). I have agreed to work all of these extra hours so I can get rid of debt and be better finacially prepared for the fall. Midwestern is not cheap and I STILL don't know how much I will be getting in loans. The good news is that I have gotten a $3000 a year scholarship! Every little bit helps!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say how tired I have been! I was going to hang out with friends on Saturday evening but I just came home from work and took a four hour nap. Isn't it strange how you don't realize how exhausted your body is until you lapse into a coma like that? lol

Thursday, May 18, 2006

"Con el culo en 'coliflor'"

I laughed so hard I think I sharted! Check out the parody of Miranda's "Don".


I have noticed that despite the fact I can be so turned on by porn stars and the sexual acts they perform on camera, they really aren't that cute. In fact, if you really take a moment to think about it, except for the super muscled guys, most porno stars are pretty average or actually quite ugly. I think though that is their appeal. They are hot becuase they are regular guys (sometimes with not so regular cocks). Well, at least that's what I think. So I present three of my favorite Beefaroni porn stars who totally get me all hot and bothered when they are in action.

Johnny Hazzard: Wow, big ears never looked so sexy on someone! Maybe I shouldn't have had my otoplasty afterall.

Mario Cruz: He has the most amazing nipples and the biggest balls I have ever seen! Supposedly he's from Panama, so I don't understand the whole Mexican get up.

Miguel Leonn: He's the one in the middle. Look at that nose! I know my Sista M appreciates a big schnoz and so do I! Miguel's website though is hilarious. He takes himself just a little too seriously.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Como você diz o "beefaroni" no português?

I have an affinity for trashy music, especially trashy music in foreign languages! Axe Bahia are a Brazilian novelty group that somewhat remind me of the Vengaboys but in Portuguese. The guys in the group are uber hot and apparently don't own any shirts (hey, who needs clothes in Brazil?) Not that I care about the girls, but they too seem to have a limited budget when it comes to clothing. What makes this group even more trashy is that their first shot at fame outside of Brazil happened on a Chilean children's televison program. I mean, considering this country JUST legalized divorce, I think it's hilarious that the public was ok seeing these girls shake their meat curtains in front of little kids!

Anyhoo, as for the music, it's horribly cheesy, I mean, just look at the album cover:

And yes, I own that CD. In fact, I just watched the bonus DVD last night and that is what inspired this entry. Those guys are fucking BEEFARONI!!!!!!! I swear, next year I am teaching myself Portuguese, grabbing my thong and going to Brazil!

I leave you with one of their craptastic videos! They make the Vengaboys look like classically trained musicians! ooh, but the guys are oh so YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Booger King

Is it just me or is Booger King famous for its slow crappy service? I was there today and I was reminded as to why I never go there. Despite the fact the restaurant was practically empty I had to wait an eternity to get my food. As I waited I watched the workers run around behind the counter in complete chaos trying to figure out what goes where. This happens to me at EVERY Burger King I go to. What the fuck.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Wanking at Work

The other day I was working a double shift. I was rather stressed so I took a minute to relieve myself in the bathroom.

I masturbated at work!

Now, before some of you prudes start passing judgement, let me just say it is my fucking business what I do in the privacy of a single stall bathroom, so fuck off! The fat asshole that always shits up a storm, leaving smears of fecal matter on the toilet seat or the bulimic bitch who spews her puke chunks all over and doesn't clean them up are far worse than me wanking off into a tissue. THOSE people are the sick and rude ones.

Let me tell you though, I returned to work so very relaxed and with my mind completely clear. The rest of my shift just zoomed by. It was awesome!

It's just a shame that the extent of my sexual activity lately is masturbation. My sex life has been rather sporadic these past two years. I go months without any kind of fun. One thing I learned in my Interpersonal Communications course this past semester is that studies show human beings physically NEED to experience intimacy and human touch on a regular basis. Without it we become physically and mentally ill. I totally agree. It's ironic how so many people think sex is "bad" and "dirty". I suppose such negative beliefs stem from their own personal issues that they associate with sex (ie. a history of having been molested, image issues, lack of self esteem, suicidal thoughts, or just a bad relationship). Lucklily none of those apply to me and I have always had a positive toward attitude towards anykind of human intimacy and/or sex.

I once was 100% celibate for 2 years while living in Milwaukee and let me say I was a bitter bitch after those two years! Never again! Unfortuantely though, my busy life now has forced me to live like a monk again. I need to find a cute boy soon, but more improtantly I need to find some time! Catholic priest are getting more booty than I do! I am NOT in a committed relationship and need to take advantage of my single status while I can! lol


Well, last night I was going to go to the Depeche Mode concert but it was canceled! Damn it! I was really looking forward to this. I still do not know if they are going to reschedule another date or if I will have to get a refund for my tickets. Ugh.

Well, my Milwaukee Sister and I made the best of the situation and went out to eat with Jorgillo. We went to Dunley's. The highlight of the night though was when a scary drunk bum wandered into the restaurant and fell on me. I emitted my trademark "Oh no!" quite loudly as I was thoroughly disgusted by the whole thing. I immediately went home and washed the drunk bum cooties off of me. Afterwards I went to Circuit. I remember why I never go there anymore. Wow. The place was filled with some of the nastiest Hispanic men in Chicago. Thank god I wasn't drinking because then I probably would have thought the opposite and gone home with one of them (or at least accepted a blowjob in my car).

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Drunk Bloggigin!

So it is fucking 4am in the muthaphuncking m,orning and I am drunk and I feel like bloggin! So like I though I had t owork this weekend both day so I didn;t make plans to go out but i was wrong! I actually had sunday off so I decided to go out tonigh (SATURDAY). Anyhhoo, as ya'll can imagine I couldn't find anyone to go out with me on such short notice (yeah my friends "left me outside aloooone!" just like ANastacia) anyhoo, so i went out to Hydrate ( i put the link but i am to drunk) and it was fucjking BORING!!!!!!!!! So i fucking left and went to SIDE TRASH! Well, i ran into this guy I knew from Moo-TOwm like 8 years ago! how weird! Then this "alternative boy" recognized me from school and we spent 20 minutes bitching about our ching choing Communications professor that is a big fucking cunt. Then I heard some cute guy say "isn't that the boy from the 'sweatshop'" (that was a gym i belonged to almost two years ago!!!!) WOW, I felt so popular, mind you I NEVER go out anymore because i have no fucking social life. Anyhoo, so then I went to Charlies. I normally hate that place but I was drunk so I didn't care and I ran inot a friend of a friend and we started making out, OH NO!!!!! That shouldn;'t have happened, but whatevea! Anf then I decided it was time to go home and I got a cab ride from this old guy who wouldn;t shut the fuck up and then when i was coming up in the elevator i was with these two straight couples and the one guy asked if i was keeping it "gangsta" and the girl asked what bar i had gone too. I just laughed because I was too drunk to explain i am a big ol drunk queen who was just out at the gay bars. LOL!

Oh, and TWO, ues TWO, people commmented on how nice my skin looked! You see I take extra special care of my skin becuae I am scared to death of geeeting old and shit while I am still young (you know you see some guys that are 27 and they look fucking 47) anyhoo, i guess i must be doing a job!

i look fierce1!!!!!!

ok, i am drunk and i am going to drink water. i want to give a shout out to my "gurfren" RENI, becuae i know she is somewhere on a boat and never gets to talk to me., Hi reni!!!!!!!!! ANd I am ginving a hsout out to anyone else who pretty much only keep ups with me VIA my blog

Oh, and one more thing, ROB said I don;t look ethnic, which I agree, but those straight people were talling me "hasta manana" what the fuck. i ain't no beaner. i speakin english real good!


Thursday, May 04, 2006

What would Allah say?

During my brief time at UIC I could not help but notice how prominent the Islamic student population was. I thought it was nice to see so many young Muslim girls embracing their religion and wearing traditional gamrnets like the one in my picture above. Such dedication and conviction is quite admirable! Especially when one considers that these girls would be covered from head to toe in their scarves burquas and tunics even on the hottest of days.

I's just a shame that 90% of these girls MUST have been color blind with absolutely ZERO fashion sense. I mean, what was up with the pastels and scary prints???? Being religious should not be synonymous with fashion disaster! Ladies! Pastels never look good on ANYONE! Unless you are the trying to idolize the fucking Easter Bunny (which in this case is HIGHLY unlikely)leave the pastels alone. I cannot tell you how many girls I saw with the most putrid, vomit inducing colored scarves. The poor things!

The worst part though, and I am sure even Allah doesn't approve of this one, were the girls who not only wore the ugliest burquas and head scarves but to top it off wore a dirty pair of Reebok or Nike tennis shoes. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? Talk about not knowing how to accessorize! It was shocking and just about broke my cold heart to see these girls. Who in their right mind would think tennis shoes and a burqua are meant to go together? I find it hard to believe this fashion faux pas is allowed in the Koran.

I wonder what Allah would have to say about all of this?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

50 Gay Questions

I was browsing other people's blogs and I came across these 50 questions. So I am stealing this idea from Derek. I love doing these sorts of things since it gives others a chance to get to know me even more.

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay? I knew I was "different" in middle achool and highschool, but it wasn't until I was 18 that I finally could admit it to myself.
2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex?Hell to the NO!
3. Who was the first person you came out to?A friend I used to work with.
4. Are you out to your family?Yes.
5. Do you want children?No. I could change my mind though.
6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?I have more gay friends, but I am always accepting applications for new token straight friends, lol.
7. Were you out in school?No
8. Is your best friend the same sex as you? I have one of each.
9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them?No
10. Have you ever done crystal meth?"just say no!"
11. Have you ever been in a sling?No, but I fucked someone who was!
12. Have you ever done a 3-way? Yes and never again.
13. Have you ever dressed in drag?Surprisingly no!
14. Would you date a drag queen? Yes, my first boyfriend.
15. Are you a top/bottom or truly versatile? Versatile. I get bored otherwise.
16. Have you had sex with someone of a different ethnicity?Yes. I am not racist! I love all men!
17. How many Cher CDs do you own? Maybe 10 if you include vinyl LP's. The bitch is fierce.
18. Name of your first love? Me, myself, and I.
19. Do you still talk to them?I talk to myself all the time! Probably a little too much.....
20. Does size matter?To a certain extent. However, if a guy is as hot as Mario Lopez, he can have a 3incher for all I care.
21. Biggest turn on?Muscles, dimples, and a nice smile
22. Biggest turn off?Arrogance, shallowness, pathological liars, insecure asshole with a million and one issues with their sexuality that need to just fucking get over it already because they are big flaming queens!
23. Ever been harassed due to you orientation?Yeah, but nothing serious.
24. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you? camp taste in music and the fact iam a bit of a label whore.
25. Ever been to a pride rally?Yes.
26. Would you marry if you could?yes!
27. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful? Rich and smart. I could use my money for plastic surgery to look young and beautiful.
28. Do you sculpt your eyebrows? No. I barely have eyebrows to begin with :(
29. Do you trim your body hair?I do a little 'manscaping' here and there.
30. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day? Yes
31. Ever been to an orgy?no
32. Have you dated your best friends ex?No, but a friend of mine has gone after several of my old flings. Pebbles wasn't joking when she sang "Backyard". Girlfriend knew what she was talking about!
33. Would you vote for Hillary Clinton if she ran for president?Maybe.
34. Do you want monogamy in your relationships?Um yeah!
35. Do you believe in true love? Yes, but Ithink true love has a really bad sense of direction. I get the impression it got lost somewhere.....
36. Do you have any tattoos?No
37. Do you have any piercings? No
38. Would you date a smoker?yes.
39. Do you get HIV tests every 6 months? Yes
40. Do you know anyone who has died from H.I.V.? Not personally, no.
41. Do you know what Stonewall was?Yes. It's when the trannies fought back!
42. Strangest place you have had sex? Someone's doorstep
43. Strangest place you've woken up?In a friends bed next to Juanita La Del Barrio and lying in a vomit soaked pillow! lol!
44. Are your best years behind or in front of you? They better be in front of me or else I want a fucking refund!
45. Favorite porn movie? anything by Kristen Bjorn!
46. Are you in love now? With myself, not anyone else though.
47. Ever been in love with a straight guy/girl? Infatuated, yes, in love, no.
48. Did you ever have sex with them? I wish!
49. Have you ever been to a nude beach?No. I spend too much money on cute speedos to go nude!
50. Have you ever been/stayed in a relationship for Money or Security, instead of Love and Friendship? hell no! I'm a independent woman! (throw your hands up at me)
51. Have you ever contemplated suicide? No.

Well, there was actually more than 50 questions but I screwed up copying and pasting and I was too lazy to go back and fix it!

Monday, May 01, 2006

Guilty Pleasures

Well, I survived finals! I think.........let's pray I passed. I am actually a little worried about one class I had to neglect in order to keep up with my other harder classes.

Anyhoo, I would like to announce a new blog that I will be taking part in, along with My Milwaukee Sister and Rob, called Milk Carton Pop Stars. We will be posting about our favorite music acts that have gone M.I.A. Any suggestions for featured artists (we are focusing on "no hit" or "one hit" wonders only!) send an email to Hopefully we can make this fun and trashy!

So besides the self-promotion, there was a point to today's post. Today I got the latest issue of People En Español's "Los 50 Más Bellos" and Jennifer Lopez is on the cover looking quite fierce!

Anyhoo, I flipped through the pages and I must say I am dissapointed with most of the people they picked this year, such as Daddy Stankee

Now, I am not going to pick on poor Mr. Stankee (I simply don't have enough time to point out all the problems with this man), but seeing his picture reminded of how much I like his latest single "Rompe". Yes, I know. I should be ashamed of myself right now, but what can I say.

So here are my current Guilty Pleasures
1. Daddy Stankee "Rompe"
2. Moldplay (Coldplay) "Talk"
3. Nelly "Grillz"
4. James Cunt - "You're Beautiful"

ewwww....I know. I blame radio for exposing me to these songs constantly. So far I have resisted the temptation to download these.....well, except for the Moldplay one, but that was a remix so it's ok!