Thursday, June 28, 2007

Gay Gladiator

Gay Pride weekend has come and gone here in Chicago yet I am still recovering from blisters on my feet and extremely sore legs/calves. I started the celebration the Tuesday before, when I went with my friend, Private Dancer(the one from the Nelly Furtado concert) to Kit Kat for dinner and martinis. It was his treat so you know I took advantage of that shit and got nice and sloshy. I swear, Kit Kat has the BEST martinis ever. The "Peanut Butter & Jelly" is my favorite one! Afterwards we stumbled from bar to bar for more drinks and mayhem. We had our final drinks at Roscoes while we enjoyed the "Drag Race" at Roscoes. While I was there I ended up meeting this really cute boy who I had recognized from MySpace. So naturally I contacted him and now have a date tomorrow! I never thought I could use Myspace as a man locator! LOL

Last Friday I tried something new and competed in a Jock Strap Contest at Crew.

The grand prize was $300 so I figured it would be worth the humilliation. Unfortunately I failed to realize that the key to winning these sorts of things is to bring 30 friends with you to be as loud as possible. I only had one friend with me so I lost....but I still had fun and got liquored up. The bar staff was very good to all of the boys that participated and I got wasted for free! I suppose it wasn't a total bust. Afterwards I headed over to Sidetrack where I learned another valuable lesson....never ever wear a soccer jersey to a regular gay bar. I had bought a "Brasil" jersey last year during the World Cup at H&M on a whim and decided to wear it that night. I must have been stopped every two feet by people who either asked me if I was from Brasil or started speaking to me in Portuguese. I had to explain to them that I was Brazilian by injection only, LOL. One good thing did come out of all of the unwanted attention. I met a cute guy visiting from Boston! Cute out-of-towners are always a plus in my book. They are a refreshing break from the usual whores you see out every weekend.

I ended the night at Circuit's "Chix Mix" lesbian night which was surprisingly filled with lesbians (duh) but of the lipstick variety! Who would have known? I thought Chicago was home to the largest Diesel Dyke population in the midwest. I guess I was wrong! The most memorable part had to be the girl squatted and peed into the urinal next to me. Um, yeah. That was something I never saw before!

Satruday I went out but was home early becasue the next morning I was to be on Sidetrack float for the parade. I never thought I would find myself in that statue outfit again (sans the paint)!

I swear, I had to walk about 12 city blocks to and from the float in the outfit. I cannot tell you how many people stopped me to take a picture with me....or to simply just fondle my lovely lady lumps! I felt so dirty! Trying to get through that sea of groping homosexuals was not fun! As for the 2 hours on top of a moving float.....holy shit. That was the leg work out of my life. Those things are bouncy and it was a struggle to keep my balance. After the parade I changed into normal people clothes and caught up with my already super trashed Milwaukee Sister. I had to play "catch up" really fast with all of my other drunk friends.

Despite my cramped claves and bloody feet I did manage to drag my broken ass to Green Dolphin Monday night to see the one and only Ultra Nate perform live! Check out her was fucking fierce!

I had not had the pleasure to see Ultra since 2000 so I was very ecstatic. She told the audience she was getting over a cold but she gave it all she had. The set list was rather short and missed some of her biggest hits but at least she sang her house 90's classic "Free" (this is the footage I took with my camera).

I had not been to Green Dolphin's Monday night "Boom Boom Room" party in quite awhile and I forgot what an amazing and diverse mix of people it is. Men, women, gay, straight, drag queens, old, young, black, white, and everything in between just having a good time on the dance floor. It's too bad not every bar can be like this! It's also a very friendly crowd...I even made a new friend, "Velicity", who in my opinion is Chicago's very own Chi Chi LaRue! She helped make the time more entertaining since Ultra didn't take stage until almost 2:40AM!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


The week leading up to Pride and the actual Pride weekend in Chicago have left me tore up! Ouch! I am so sore...and not in the way many of my delightfully perverted readers might be thinking! However, I am short on time and I will dedicate a proper "Gay Pride" post another day. Instead I wanted to quick post about something that happened to me a few weeks ago that I completely forgot to mention. As I always try to keep my blog wholesome and full of stories the entire family can enjoy so I think it is only appropriate that I blog today about how I helped destroy a two year loving and monogamous relationship.

A few weeks ago I ran into an old fuck buddy of mine and we had a little fun at his place because his "roommate" wasn't home. So he gave me his number and I thought nothing of it. Two weeks later I was in the area and I thought "Oh how convenient. I can pick up my laundry, get some milk at Jewel, drop some books off at the library, volunteer at the orphanage....and then have some sex!". Well, I sent this individual a text message (cuz fuck buddies are NOT worth a real phone call!). I got a really odd message back inquiring "who is this?". I was almost a little insulted at that point...I mean had I been that bad in bed???? Before I broke down crying and stumbled into a bar to drink away my sorrow I realized if I can barely keep up with the plethora of men throwing themselves at me on a daily basis, surely this guy is way sluttier. So I figured he must know another person with the same name. As we converesed via the text messaging though something became very strange....the perfect english grammar. You see, my fuck buddy is originally from Colombia and really put a new spin to the phrase "broken english". However I was having a blonde moment (this time it wasn't coke induced at least!) and made nothing of it.....until the last message when it said "I did tell you I have a boyfriend of TWO YEARS RIGHT??????" It was at this point the brunette in me kicked back in and I realized I had been conversing with this guy's boyfriend! Oh no! I guess that's who the "roommate" was. This guy totally got busted for being a cheating bastard all because of me! LOL

Well, I have been called lots of nasty things in my life...."slut", "whore", "ugly", "cunty bitch"...and I guess I can add "homewrecker" to that list now too!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Heart Of Stone

If Carmen Electra inspired me to be a go-go boy then Cher's "Heart Of Stone" must have inspired me to be a stone statue.....

Yes, underneath all of that body paint, helmet and crotch cup is ME! Last week Wednesday and Thursday I was hired to be part of Sidetrack's 25th Anniversary Party.

The theme was "history" hence the Roman statue look. The event was a private affair for Sidetrack's most devoted clients and let me tell you some of these people really thought I and the other boys were real statues until we started to move. I think I scared one poor tranny shitless that her silicon boob almost popped! LOL! I had a fun time doing this....especially standing around in nothing but a sock with 6 other hot guys as we were painted, but I must say standing up on a pedestal for 2 hours left me with extremely sore legs on Friday. Nevertheless I met some really great people that night (in particular the Sidetrack staff) and walked away with enough money so I won't have to use my credit card at the grocery store the rest of the month! Woo hoo!

I finished the week on Friday when Circuit Mom and his partner invited me to some fancy smancy social gatherings! It was definitely the most interesting evening when they took me to the unveiling of a "personal development night club" (don't ask, lol) that one of their friends had designed. The whole thing ended up being more of a cult like sales pitch but afterwards we went to a party hosted at some millionaire's penthouse condo downtown. Um was mind boggling to see how extravagantly these people live. I felt like a goddamn homeless person as I stood outside in their rooftop garden overlooking all of downtown. We all had to end the night early but I had a great time enjoying free champagne and hanging out with two of the most fascinating people I have met in a long time!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

That Don't Impress Me Much

I hate when people feel the need to "brag" about things that actually make them look like complete idiots or assholes just because they desperately want to impress me. Here are just a few examples of what I am talking about:

1. So someone tells me how tacky it is for me to furnish my house with IKEA after he rambles about how he is just a FABULOUS interior designer. He fails to mention he has no home of his own and is in the country illegaly. if I was impressed by the interior design expertise of a glorified homeless person.

2. Someone just can't stop talking about his past sexual relations with women on our first date. He even alludes to the fact he may still sleep with women. Mind you he does this in between sentences about his new Versace sweater, how many carbs he ate that day, and his manicure appointment at 1pm. Oh, and did I mention the bleached blonde hair? Sorry, but just because Oprah can't get enough of you "down low" freaks doesn't mean I give a shit.

3. Oh, so you are rich and have tons of money? Isn't that special! Too bad all that "money" couldn't get you a good plastic surgeon you cross eyed greasy haired cleft lip looking motherfucker.

4. you got a Mercedes Benz? Wow, and you are going to let me ride in it too? Oh wow, I feel so honored. Oh wait a minute, your mommy and daddy want you back home by 11? Nevermind sweetie.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Promiscuous Boys

This past weekend I volunteered at a street festival in Andersonville. I walked around handing out condoms, lube, dental dams and information about safe sex. I never would have imagined that giving back to the community like that would make me feel like such a common whore! I think the tranny prostitutes outside of Berlin probably get propositioned less than I did that day. If only I had a dollar for everytime someone asked me for a "demonstration" or put their hands down my pants. Drunk people at street festivals have no shame! Well, neither do the slutty sober volunteers.

The title of my post today though is not about my questionable volunteering tactics (or my personal life in general for that matter) but it is a reference to where I was last night......

Nelly Furtado was in town and I had fourth row seats!!!!!! Woo hoo! I had a blast. I was also happy that I had a camera with me because I was able to take some great pictures being so close. The setlist was for the most part pretty predicatable (I'm Like A Bird, Turn Off The Light, Maneater, etc). She threw in her own covers of Gnarls Barkely's "Crazy" and Blondies "Heart Of Glass" to spice things up a bit. I personally thought her wardrobe could have been a little better and her dancers were ugly but other than that she sounded AMAZING. My friend and I probably didn't sit down during the entire show however we still couldn't keep up with the two coked up girls next to us. Fortunately they had to make several trips during the show to "powder" their noses so my friend and I had extra room to jump around like big ol' girls. Ironically, on the other side of us was a couple who looked comatose through out the entire show. What a waste of fourth row seats if you ask me.

We skipped Nelly's opening acts and had some drinks instead in the you can see we were a bit buzzed before Nelly started!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

He's The Greatest Dancer

Well, as with most things, I am fashionably late finally getting around to blogging about my Memorial Day weekend. And what a weekend it was. It was definitely a first for many things for me and believe it or not it was for the most part alcohol and sex free (I said for the most part now, I wasn't a total nun!)

I started things off Friday at a friend's house. I think this picture sums up how I felt about the "drinks" someone had concocted (they were fucking gross!). I think toilet water would have been a tastier alternative (sorry Fernanda!)

Saturday during the day I went with a friend to check out the "Leather Mart" (it was International Mr. Leather weekend in Chicago). This was my first year to go all out for IML and let me say I think I will be eternally scarred from what I saw that day! Um, wow. it was like being at a flea market but instead of mexicans buying 2.99 jewelry and bootleg Banda Recodo cd's, the leather mart was packed with leather daddies and their fans everywhere. Leather jock straps, harnesses, nipple clamps, leashes, chaps and giant dildos were everywhere. I think the one patron that stuck in memory was the man with nipples bigger than my testicles. Wow, how did he do that????? The fiercest sex toy had to be this one though......

The Aneros Porgrasm is especially designed to give you that prostatic massage you have always dreams of (or so they say). Apparently the two little things on the side are made of metal and give the sensation of someone licking the perineum. Wow, how cum I didn't think of that?????? Saturday night was the Military Ball at Circuit. I went with my homegirl Wanda and we were entertained by fierce music, Goldshlager and scantily clad porno stars. Forget the big dicked porno stars though....the star of the night was Chi Chi Larue!

Chi Chi had come directly from the Grabby Awards (the gay porn Oscars) to be the guest DJ. Holy shit can this bitch throw down. I think I wet myself when at the end of her set she played Dannii Minogue's Australian Top 40 smash hit single "He's The Greatest Dancer"!!!!!!

I am pleased to announce also that Dannii's single is now going to get an exclusive release in Spain...further proof that she is an international pop icon that can't be stopped! Ok, now back to the weekend....Sunday night was when things got really crazy at the House Of Blues for the IML Victory Ball.

Being the up and coming Chicago socialite that I am, I was fortunate enough to be granted VIP access! Um, I had no idea how big HOB really is. It's like a maze in those upper levels and let me tell you people were taking advantage of that. I cannot tell you how many people I came across having sex...yikes! I was a good boy though and apart from my own barely there outfit, I didn't get caught up in the madness. Well, there was one point when I had to take off my leather pants because I was sweating up a storm...but I had a jock strap on underneath so it was all good. Thank god I had done laundry the day before. i would hate to have been there in a dirty jock! How embarrassing! So I blended in with all of the other half naked guys. Let me tell you though some of the HOB staff looked like they were experiencing the biggest culture shock of their life! Here I am strinking a pose with a good friend of mine.......

Monday night was the Black and Blue Ball (I always giggle when I say that, tee hee) at Excalibur. Too bad Excalibur isn't a gay club normally. It's huge and fierce! Once again there were orgies going on wherever there was a dark corner but that night I wasn't there to simply be a guest.......that night I worked. I made my official debut as a go-go boy! What can I say, at the young age of 12 years old Carmen Electra inspired me to grow up and become a go-go dancer!

Surprisingly I didn't have any apprehensions about dancing in next to nothing in front of a bunch of strangers. If anything it was nice to finally do something a little bit out of the ordinary (for me at least). I most definitely have to thank Circuit Mom for giving me this opportunity.....along with some other upcoming opportunities to assist with the revolution in me that I had blogged about back in March.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I Hate My Job

I wonder how many bloggers out there have made this post? In fact, I wonder how many people right now feel this way? I don't even know if "hate" is a strong enough adjective. Perhaps "loathe" is more appropriate?

Yeah yeah...everyone hates their job. I have probably even bitched about this before but I have decided it's finally official. I HATE my job. I think cutting back my hours to part time back in September to accomodate my school schedule really put this hatred into perspective. Suddenly i shed all of this bitterness and anger that i didn't even realize I had. I was always annoyed with my job. I mean, it's just so monotonous and mind numbing that it's no wonder most of my coworkers who have been doing this for 20 or more years have become brain dead empty shells that simply "do" and no longer "think". It takes every ounce of self control to come into work everyday with a smile and not randomly punch and stab people. I thank Allah everyday for blessing me with my incredible acting skills so people actually think I give two shits about what's going on. I think the most frustrating part is the lack of coworkers that I can relate too. I miss the days when I worked with people my age that I could grab a drink with after work. If I wasn't pursuing an advanced degree right now I think I would have just quit my job and became a gypsy......or a male escort. Whichever makes more money (or has the most sex with the hottest guys).

Friday, June 01, 2007


So today I made my final payment on my 2002 Toyota Echo which mean it is finally MINE! This is the second car I successfully financed to the very end and just like the last time I have a sudden urge to buy a new car. I know I shouldn't but not having a car payment every month is going to feel weird! I have been infatuated with the Toyota Yaris ever since they replaced the Echos last year. The Yaris is just so cute, economical, and even more fuel efficient than my Echo.


I just don't know if I would want the sedan or the liftback.

Other than wanting a new car not much has happened this week. I was in Boystown yesterday during the day and I forgot how easy it is to be super slutty! I bumped into an old fuck buddy of mine and we had a pleasant evening "catching up". LOL.

I have gotten a few inquiries about how my IML weekend was...well, I will dedicate a proper post for that once I get some photographic evidence.