Monday, February 27, 2006

Alanis Morissette makes me sick.

Not only is Alanis Morissette a horse faced ugly cunt who hasn't made a good song in over a decade, but she is fucking one of today's hottest actors, Ryan Reynolds. Grrrrrr.....he's this week's Beefaroni.

You may have seen Ryan in such movies as "The Amityville Horror", "Blade: Trinity", and "Van Wilder". A few years ago Ryan was actually kind of a thin guy, but he got all hot and muscular for the "Blade" movie and has stayed that way since. It's not fair that Alanis should have this hunk of a man all to herself. Damn her to hell.

I especially like Ryan with facial hair. Yummy!

Other than looking for half naked pictures of Ryan, I spent the entire weekend working and studying. No fun for me :( Today I went to Midwestern and dropped off my $500 deposit and matriculation papers to confirm my acceptance. Tomorrow is the Moenia concert. I am really not as excited about going as I should be. Maybe because I just saw them last September? I don't know, but it would have been a crime to miss my favorite music group ever.

This week I also need to find time to get to either Virgin or Tower Records to pick up the most recent singles by Missy Elliot, Beyonce and Madonna.

And one last thing before I go, check out Ricky Martin's new video! Hot! Hot! Hot! I am surprised Sony is still promoting this album . Perhaps it is selling well outside of the US. This song is sooo much better than his Usher-rip off song "I Don't Care" (which I liked anyways) and he is just oozing so much sexuality in this video your computer screen just might melt (He pours milk over his shirtless body!!!!) Don't say I didn't warn you.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

A Nightmare On Sexbox Street

Last night I had the wierdest dream. I was hanging out with the Crypt Keeper from the HBO series "Tales From The Crypt" and he revealed to me he was a tranny. So he put on makeup, a wig, a dress and a fur coat and we went clubbing. When I asked him who he was trying to impersonate he told me Whitney Houston! When I woke up I had to laugh because as of lately, there is definitely a resemblance between the two! Or is it just me?

Friday, February 24, 2006

The Bold and the Beefaroni

Set your VCR's boys (and girls). On March 20th daytime television will change forever. Mario Lopez will be joining the cast of CBS's daytime soap opera, The Bold And The Beautiful. Mario will be playing a doctor. Hoepfully the producers of the series will take advantage of Mario's beefy bubble butt, rock hard pecs and sculpted arms and change his character's profession to a lifeguard. What the world needs now is more Mario Lopez in speedos.

Some of you may be snickering at this post, but B&B is viewed in over 30 countries across the world. This will give Mario a chance to enchant men and women from all nations and walks of life with his good looks, charm and undeniable acting skills. I suspect world peace is just around the corner!

A daytime televison revolution is on its way, and I will be there for every moment of it with the remote control in one hand and my penis in the other.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

"I am so smarrt!"

"I am so smarrt! I am so smaertt! s-m-r-a-t! s-a-m-r-r-t.....uh.....uh...."

Does anyone remember that Simpsons episode? I forget which season it was and exactly what was happening, but all I remember is Homer Simpson chanting how "smart" he was yet he failed to even spell the word correctly.

Anyhoo, I am not Homer Simpson. I really am smart. I am also fierce. That can be a dangerous combination. I am bragging about my smartness and fierceness today because I recieved an acceptance letter from Midwestern University today. Out of 1900 applications for the 200 seats available for the Doctorate of Pharmacy program, I was chosen! Bow down biatches!

A year and a half ago when I decided to go back to school, I felt like I had so many obstacles ahead of me, but I guess it wasn't that bad afterall. I have a tendency to underestimate my talents and skills and I am realizing I need to stop doing that. I don't particularly look forward to living on student loans and being poor, but I shall manage. Perhaps escorting will supplement my income. Any other suggestions?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Junk Food For Thought

About a year ago I swore off all junk food and decided to limit my trips to Taco Bell to only 2 times a week. I didn't have a wieght problem, but my eating habits were atrocious. I loaded up on junk food everytime I went to the grocery store. So, I cut 90% of the junk food out of my life. Unfortunately, since I moved my bad habits have been slowly coming back. I am addicted to Cheetos. I can eat one huge bag within 2 days. This is disturbing since there are supposedly 8 servings in each bag.

Now with Easter approaching I have started pigging out on the Cadbury cream filled eggs........yum....

My trips to Taco Bell (and Mcdonald's) have also increased. I freaked out when I heard that the trans fat content in McDonald's french fries was more than what they originally reported. Lately, I had been eating them like they were going out of style. Right now I just ate a stuffed slice of sausage and pepperoni pizza from Sbarro. I feel gross.

No more! I am once again going to eliminate the excess junk food from my life. I don;t want to die of a heart attack at the age of 35!

So besides my recent junk food woes, I have not done much. I went out this past Saturday. I got drunk, had a blast, bla bla bla. I bought my ticket for the Moenia concert next week Tuesday. They must really love Chicago because they were just here last September. I think this will be my 5th time seeing them. Oh well, I am obsessed and I don't care :)

This week has been busy. I haven't even had a chance to get to the gym. Not working out and filling up on junk food makes me feel extra gross!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Reni, this Bud's for you!

Today's post is dedicated to my friend of 13 years, Reni. Thanks to George Bush's senseless war in Iraq, the National Marine Fisheries Services experienced a $4 million budget cut and my homegirl Ren was left without a job! Well, I am sure Reni feels better at least knwoing that her unemployment will help protect the US from Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Oh, wait a minute, there never were any. in fact, isn't it Iran that is building the nukes? Oh well, Iraq and Iran look so much alike perhaps Bush got the two confused.

Reni lives out of state but I went out and got drunk in her honor. Of course this was after one of my craigslist contacts showed up at my building. Remember the muscualr black man with the penis the size of a small child's arm? Well, it turned out the picutres he sent me were from 1985. I had no choice but to tell "Sanford" that I was NOT interested. I am not agist, but using fake or really old pictures is shady! After that fiasco I had a few shots of tequila, drunk dialed some people and went to Hydrate That bar is so fierce! DJ manny Lehman was spinning. At the end of the night I took a ride home with some drunk guy. If you guys have ever seen "40 Year Old Virgin", it was just like his ride home with the drunk girl, minus the vomit of course. This probably wans't the smartest thing to do, but I made him stay on city streets and I saved $17 in taxi cab fare! And best of all, I didn't even have to have sex with him! I hate having to exchange sexual favors for a ride home.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Beefaroni Video!

This isn't a proper Beefaroni post, but I was just reading AJL's blog and was reminded that LL Cool J's new video premiered this week. Since he was recently one of my featured Beefaroni men I felt compelled to share his newest video. The song is HOT! The video is hot! And LL is HOT! Even J-lo can't ruin this one. This is LL's best single since "Doin' It"!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Does Craig know what happens on his list?

Awhile back I wrote about my missed connection and how I put an ad on Craigslist. Well, I came to my senses and realized that I lost many Fierceness Points for that pathetic attempt at finding the hot guy from the gas station and I removed my ad. However, I still continued to read the ads on Craig's List simply because they are quite amusing and the nude pictures in the Men Seeking Men personals provide for some convenient work accessible internet porn (shhh....don't tell!). But tonight I did the unthinkable.....I placed an ad in the Men Seeking Men section!!!!! Now before you roll your eyes and detract more fierceness points from me, there is a twist to this story......

Ever since I moved to Presidential Towers I have noticed the lack of gay men, which is odd considering how many units there are. So for the fun of it I placed an add saying "am I the only homo living in PT". There was nothing even remotely sexual provocative about my ad. It simply was more like "say hey if you are a homo like me!" kind of thing. Anyhoo, my inbox is currently filled with pictures of scantily clad men, bare asses, and huge cocks. This is amazing. It's like getting porn delivered to my computer for free! God bless the USA.

I MIGHT respond to one email. It was a picture of a very muscular black guy with a dick the size of a small child's arm!

To be continued.........

Monday, February 13, 2006 is fierce.

I am finally hooked. I am always late on these things but all of my fellow blogger friends have got me addicted to You Tube. I had to work both Saturday and Sunday all day so I had no time to go out and have fun, but while at work that website kept me very entertained. I hardly ever watch TV, in fact, the last time I probably watched a program on a regular basis was in 2002. There are all sorts of TV shows uploaded on youtube though. I finally watched episoded of American Idol's Chicago auditions. Wow, those are hilarious. What was up with that 16 year old girl trying to emulate Christina Uglyera, fake orange greasy tan and all! Scary! I was watching in disbelief that people like this actually exist. I mean, they aren't even pretending to be weird, they really are!

So I declare youtube to be this weeks "fierce" thing. It's the best thing to happen to the internet since porn!

This is the 6th year now I am without a valentine on Valentine's Day, however, I will not let that get me so bitter that I cannot wish other people a happy Valentine's Day (but just keep in mind all of you people in relationships and/or getting sex on a regular basis make me sick).

I think this year I am going to at least try to find a bootycall for Valentine's. It's too late to find a real boyfriend I suppose. I scoured through my address book and contacted former fuck buddies. Here's hoping at least on of them gets back to me! oh wait, I don't have off tomorrw.......oh well, there is always my good old friend at 625 W. Palm that can help me out. :)=


Thursday, February 09, 2006

Pretty Vegas Beefaroni

I do not have cable, but I always watch VH1 when I am at the gym. I enjoy all of the reality shows and the occasional music videos they air also. Well, I remember hearing about RockstarINXS awhile back and I thought the idea was stupid. I am not a fan of INXS but I thought it was a lame concept to look for a new lead singer on a reality show. I mean, hadn't TLC already done this? Well, now that I have seen the "Pretty Vegas" music video a zillion times while working out, I must admit I have a huge crush on that new lead singer, JD Fortune. Grrrr! He's Rockstar Beefaroni! I love the tatoos, the facial hair and that cocky attitude he emits on stage. Yum. The song is actually pretty good too. For being a nobody that made it big on a reality TV show, he definitely seems to have what it takes to be a rockstar.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Lo siento.

When I saw Madonna's "Hung Up" video for the first time it was hard for me not to laugh. The "ghetto" scenes were just ridiculous. Well, "Sorry" has premiered in most countries now (US MTV will premier the video next week), so I thought I would share a youtube link. This video balances the right amount of obligatory ghetto people, fierceness,dancing, eye candy and humor. I'm impressed! I love it and makes me forget how awful the "Hung Up" video was.

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

I've eaten at Taco Bell four days in a row now, which inspired today's post.......

Taco Bell is fierce. Taco Bell got me through my undergraduate years in Milwaukee. Nothing beats a complete meal for only $2.49 when you are a starving college student. My obsession for Taco Bell continued after I moved to Chicago. I was so heart broken when my favorite Taco Bell on Addison and Western was turned into a Popeye's. I suppose though that was a sign the neighborhood over there was going downhill. I mean, to replace a classy establishment like Taco Bell with a welfare restaurant like Popeye's is like practically rolling out the red carpet for gang members, prostitutes, and crack addicts. When I moved downtown I was ecstatic to discover a Taco Bell just one block from me. Now I can make a run for the border whenever I get a craving for a fiber filled yummy bean burrito. Oh, and don't even get me started on how fierce Taco Bell is when you are drunk. Also, to go along with my "White Trash" themed birthday bash in March, I am inviting all of my firends to a have a Chalupa with me! It is going to be beantastic! But my favorite part of Taco Bell are the foot long turds the food induces. Amazing!

In non-burrito related news, I went to the candidate visit at Midwestern University on Monday. I had visited the campus last summer, but this time I had the chance to see more and speak with the faculty. It was a very informative visit. So informative that I am going to have a hard time deciding between UIC's College Of Pharmacy and Midwestern should I be accepted to both. UIC had a dual PharmD/PhD programbut Midwestern doesn't. On the other hand, Midwestern offers an accelerated program that would allow me to graduate in three years instead of four. Decisions decisions! Well, I have another month to really think this through since Midwestern will be mailing acceptance letters at the end of February. Wish me luck!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Cum Sisters!

I cannot reveal the person's identity, but I recently found a good friend of mine and I both slept with the same guy (not at the same time of course!). So I guess that makes us Cum Sisters! Oh no! I think this is a sign I need to move to a new city where I can find some fresh meat. I don;t like the idea of having my firend's sloppy seconds, unless those sloppy seconds look like Mario Lopez. Fuck, then I will take someone's sloppy fifths with visitation rights only on the weekend. lol

Last night I was stood up! I made plans to go out with a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and he never showed up! Fucking bastard. Being the popular Chicago socialite that I am though, I ran into another friend of mine I hadn't seen in awhile so it was worth it, despite the fact I ended up at Charlie's (the bar, not the blogger). Ewww, that place is always filled with the nastiest trolls. There is always a freak show. Last night there was some black guy being harrassed by someone who appeared to be a bitter ex-lover and was calling him a "nigger". Yikes! I think the white guy was on drugs cuz he looked really scary. I am surprised they didn't start fighting.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Dumbo: The Big Eared Freak

Yes, that is a picture of me when I was 11 years old. Such frightening hair! And look at those ears! I am posting this picture not simply to make fun of my tragic childhood style, but to commemorate the 10th anniversary of my otoplasty procedure.

In 1996 I joined the ranks of Cher, Joan Rivers, Thalia and Pete Burns by undergoing cosmetic surgery. Unlike the aforementioned individuals, I managed to come out of the hospital still looking human. God bless Dr. Elias! For the majority of my childhood I was tormented and teased because of my ears. I know everyone gets picked on but really, this was bad since I attended schools in the ghetto. Ghetto children are unusally rougher than normal kids since they have so many relatives that get out of prision and teach them how to be miniature gangsters. Not to mention, when you have big ears, you tend to be the only person like that in school. At least with fat kids or kids with glasses, there are several of them so they can all unite and create a sort of support network. The big eared kid though just gets shit on by everyone. Anyhoo, I survived the beatings and name calling and I must say I am really not bitter about any of it. Actually, I look back and laugh at some of the things I did to conceal my big ears. In highschool I grew my hair really long. That caused confusion though becasue everyone thought I was a girl. So then I had the bright idea to tape my ears to my head. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it actually worked! Every now and then I will have a dream that I still have to do that and I am in the middle of class and my tape starts to get unstuck.

For those of you wondering what otoplasty is like (and were too lazy to click on the link), it's really not that bad. The doctor made an incision behind both ears, scraped away some cartilage so she could bend my ears back and sewed me back up. I wasn't even put under during the procedure. The doctor was playing Sade though in the operating room so I did eventually fall asleep from boredom. For about a week I was in dire pain since it felt like Freddy Krueger had been scratching behind my ears. I also had to wear this big white thing around my head that looked like a turbin. I was mistaken for a Quiki Mart attendant several times that week, but it was well worth it!

Plastic surgery is fierce!